Fallen Angel
by Zenestra
Summary: Begins during 'Night'; how Casey deals with her assault. No romance, lots of CO friendship. Disclaimer: I don't own them.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first SVU fanfiction I ever wrote. EVER. Actually, technically, the first fanfiction I ever tried was based off 'Night'. I've attempted to write one over ten times because it's somewhat personal to me but never finished it, however, it's these numerous attempts that made me into a better writer... you don't want to see my first attempt. Another good result is coming up with several lines that I absolutely fell in love with and now use every time I try and write a 'Night' fic, Don't worry, though, this fic is complete; I'm not going to leave you guys hanging.

Also, I thought I should let any readers know that this account won't have much activity, because I only use it for stories that are too sensitive to post on my regular account. This one's anonymous, but many people know who I am for my other account. As of now, this account's only going to be used for any sequel I may or may not write to my other story, 'Secrets', and, of course, this story. Now that that's all said and done, please enjoy my story!

Spoilers: 'Night', as it begins during that episode.

**Chapter 1**

Olivia smiled at Casey as they continued to discuss the Duvall case. It was late; almost nine at night, yet Casey had had some paperwork to finish up, and Olivia had stopped by to both keep her company and quiz her lawyer side about immigration facts concerning Nina. The ADA had ordered some Chinese takeout and now she was almost done with her work and would be on her way home.

"Yeah, I think I'm headed out," Casey said as she stood up, right as her phone started ringing. Casey sighed, then turned to her phone and glared at it as Olivia chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Just as I was about to leave," Casey growled. "It starts to ring. Is there some law that says ADAs can't leave before ten o'clock? Really?"

Olivia laughed again as Casey groaned and sat back down, dropping her briefcase on the floor. "ADA Novak, sex crimes," she sighed. Olivia watched as her face lightened in surprise, and smiled slightly before saying, "Oh. Yeah, send them up." She hung up, then looked back at Olivia and said, "Flowers."

Olivia raised an eyebrow and asked, "You holding out on me?"

Casey shook her head and shrugged. "No, I'm not seeing anyone, thank god. Although I could use another stupid jock like my last boyfriend to deflect Jason Whitaker's advances. I swear, if these flowers are from him, they are going right in the trash- right after I kill him."

Olivia laughed. "Of course... hey, you want some coffee?"

"Only every second of every day."

The detective laughed again as she stood up and pulled on her coat. "Good, I'll go."

Once Olivia was gone, Casey reached for a file on the edge of her desk, but only succeeded in knocking it to the floor. "Damn it," she muttered under her breath, standing up and walking around to pick it up.

Olivia walked down the hallway, smiling slightly when she saw the delivery guy walking down the hallway, carrying a huge bouquet of roses. Whoever had sent them had gotten lucky- Casey loved roses. She frowned when she saw that the delivery guy hadn't removed his hood though he was inside and it wasn't even raining outside, then just shook her head. Teenagers these days.

Casey heard her door open and set the file down, turning around to face the delivery guy.

A dull ache erupting under her skin, a sharp force throwing her back, a sharp, shocked cry slipping past her lips, and almost instantly, Casey's instincts had her trying to stand, trying to fight against the mysterious, painful force, though the rest of her mind was confused and nothing but.

She was falling and then his hand was on her shirt, pulling her up by the collar only to hit her again. This time he let her fall to the floor, her hip colliding with the edge of her desk and she felt a sharp, burning pain light up under her skin, like fire, and she gasped in agony as she landed on her chest. Shaking violently, Casey slowly raised herself onto her hands and knees, her instincts ruling over as her logic took a backseat. Her terror wasn't present at the moment; she was fighting.

Sharp pain in her chest, his foot kicking her up into the air once, twice, three times. The last blow was so strong she was thrown onto her back as a cold, icy burn started spreading through her stomach. Crying out, she tried to suck in a frantic breath, but it hurt too much and she couldn't manage to pull in enough oxygen to stay conscious. She tried again, the pain hardly bothering her, but she still couldn't manage to stop wheezing. Casey tried to roll over, to get away from him, but her hand touched the cold metal handle of her bat.

Her instincts had her grasping the bat and swinging it up with a fierce, animalistic shout, then terror reigned in her as she felt him grab it in mid air. He pulled her up onto her knees, her hip feeling like it was caught on fire and her chest in a sheet of ice, and they struggled frantically for the weapon. He ripped it from her hands and she tried to pull away, to run, but a burning agony erupted in her back and she cried out in pain as she was tossed back onto the floor. It's then that she realizes that she's wheezing and just can't seem to suck in enough air to keep conscious, and she knows this is a _very_ bad thing... but that's all going on in the back of her mind. As her vision fades in and out and goes blurry, grey spots clouding across her mind, pain going from her constant companion to her master, her terror surfacing as she frantically reached up, gasping for breath, each one making the agony worse. She pushed herself upright, searching desperately for her attacker when she saw the black blur approaching, and she couldn't handle it and she cried hoarsely, "_No!_"

But it was too late, he was already on top of her, smashing her back onto her desk. Her shaking hand found another weapon and she grasped it, swinging it up towards his head, but he grabbed her wrist and slammed it down, the lamp shattering next to her head as her movements turned slow and sluggish. Her attacker held her down, crushing his arm against her throat as he slammed her head down once, twice...

SVUSVUSVU

Olivia walked down the hallway, carrying two cups of coffee in one hand, then frowned when she saw the lights were off in Casey's office. "Case," she called uncertainly, "I had to walk three blocks to get this damn coffee. If you went home, I'm going kill you."

No response.

Olivia frowned again and walked slowly forward, calling out Casey's name again. When there was no reply, she opened Casey's office door and squinted into the darkness, but the ADA was nowhere to be seen. Olivia reached over and turned on the light...

No. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This _can__'__t_ be happening.

Her detective side sees it and realizes what she has to do, that she has to call an ambulance and make sure she was still breathing and all right. But the side of her that isn't a professional, that's just a human being sees her friend lying there on the floor, blood slowly trailing from her mouth and making a path down her pale, bruised skin to create a puddle on the floor. She's covered in large red bruises and cuts and her strawberry blonde curls are matted with blood. Olivia can't see her breathing, her chest rising and falling, and she knows she has to run forward and keep her alive, but she can't move. Her muscles are all frozen and her blood's run cold and she can't move forward to save the dying woman.

Casey moans, an unconscious reaction in her unnatural sleep. It was enough. It was enough to jolt her into action to save her life. Olivia dashed forward, the coffee dropping out of her locked fist and smashing onto the floor, and her detective side registered that, but the woman didn't hear that and she didn't care. She has to make sure Casey's all right, she has too.

"Casey!" she gasped, grabbing her limp wrist and feeling frantically for her pulse- it was there, irregular and weak, but it was there. "Thank god," she gasped, moving her to Casey's hand and squeezing gently. Her hand brushes against Casey's ADA badge, and that makes her think to call Elliot. Elliot and an ambulance, right now.

She can't let go of her hand as she frantically pulled out her police radio, calling in for a bus. Thank god she was using her radio; they'd get the ambulance here quicker and save Casey. And Elliot, she has to call him, but she doesn't want to focus on anything but Casey right now.

"Casey, hang on. Hang on, Casey. Please. Please." She's repeating herself and doesn't know why. Maybe if Casey can hear her in whatever fanciful constructs her mind has for her, or if she's just in complete darkness, her words can reach her and keep her alive.

She reached up and gently rested the back of her trembling hand against Casey's bruised cheek, tears burning in her eyes as she watched the barely noticeable rise and fall of her chest. She was hardly breathing and Olivia knew this wasn't good; but she couldn't do anything to help her.

Sirens. She can hear them. The ambulance is getting close, thank god. She isn't sure she can wait much longer. "Hold on, sweetheart," she chokes out. "The ambulance is almost here, you hear that? You've just got to hang on for me for just a little bit longer, okay? Please."

She hears the paramedics hurrying into the office and scoots back so she's not in the way, but she can't let go of her hand. They kneel down at her head and another tear slides down her cheek, and one of them glances up at her and asks, "Do you know what happened?"

Olivia shook her head slowly, tightening her grip on Casey's hand. "No, no, I left but when I came back, she was like this..." _I'm__ so__ sorry,__I __left__ her__ alone,__this__ happened,__I'm __so__ sorry..._

One of the EMTs nodded, then said, "We've got to get her to the hospital; she could have a concussion, maybe some internal bleeding." Olivia nearly fainted when she saw them putting her neck in a cervical collar and a breathing mask over her bruised mouth, then lifting her up onto a backboard, her limp, pale body wrapped in a blanket- this couldn't be happening. It couldn't.

They carried the ADA down the hallway, one of the EMTs putting a pressure bandage on her forehead, causing Olivia nearly to pass out again. This was really bad. Most of her victims weren't beaten badly enough to require an ambulance, and Casey...

They had just gotten Casey outside, Olivia still holding her hand, when she saw Elliot running up towards the ambulance, and her hectic thoughts focused on that and wondering how he'd found out before she was focused solely on Casey again. "Olivia," he panted as he reached the stretcher and helped lift her into the ambulance. "How's she doing?"

She shrugged helplessly. "Head trauma, she's still out," Olivia told him, words that could relate to most of the victims that they worked with... but never Casey.

"You see anything?"

_No,__no,__I'm__ sorry,__I __didn't,__I__ left__ her__ alone__ and__ she's __hurt__ and __dying__ and__ it's__ all__ my__ fault._.. All she said aloud was, "No, perp was gone when I got there. DA's office has got a lot of surveillance tapes."

Elliot nodded said something else, she didn't hear what, and the doors closed and they were on the way to the hospital. Olivia looked up the EMTs worriedly, still holding Casey's hand, and asked, "Will she be okay?"

The EMT just shrugged as he monitored Casey's pulse. "It's too soon to tell."

The other one glanced up and said, "Shallow respiration. She's still bleeding too much; Detective, do you know her blood type?"

"Y- yeah," she said tremulously, remembering when she'd helped the ADA fill out the admittance forms for her appendectomy last year. "A positive." The EMTs kept on talking, their worried words about Casey's condition standing out to her like lightening in a clear sky. _She's __critical.__ Could __have__ internal__ bleeding.__ Tell __hospital __to__ look __out __for__ flail__ chest;__ we're__ seeing__ possible __signs..._

Blood, blood, blood, pain and death... this wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening!

SVUSVUSVU

A dull pain is tugging her back to consciousness, trying to make her wake up. She doesn't want to open her eyes and continuing to sleep sounds like an incredible idea, but the pain won't go away, and it won't let her sleep. She slowly open her eyes and a hand flashed above her face, and there are voices conversing frantically above her, but they can't possibly having anything to do with her.

But that dull pain is still there, and the voices continue, their conversations blurring together to create a fog around her head and they won't leave her alone. But one voice is different; calling out to her; and she makes an effort to listen.

"Hang on, Casey. We're almost to the hospital, and we're taking good care of you until then. You're going to be all right." Olivia? That voice sounds like her, but... that can't be her. That's her victim-voice. That's her victim-voice and Olivia is talking to her.

She has to see her, has to see her _now_ before this sick fear consumes her, and she tries to look for her detective but realizes she can't move. Her body is strapped into a stretcher, her neck held still in a cervical collar that locked her jaw shut and made talking impossible. She can't move, she can't turn her head and she can't remember what happened to land her here. She wants to scream but knows she can't, but Casey can't help it and tries to talk through the immobilizing collar. "Mmm! Mmm mmm mmmmmmm!"

"Don't try to talk, sweetheart." Olivia's voice again. "It's okay. You're going to be okay." Olivia's words are so saturated with worry, concern, and pity, and when she finally meets her coffee brown eyes and finds the same emotions written there, plain as day, she can't help it; they scare her. A lot.

Olivia tries to remain strong when she sees Casey pass out again. The EMTs don't need to be distracted by a hysterical friend; they need to be focused on saving Casey. And besides; the fact that she regained consciousness, even if only for a little while, has to be a good thing.

When they get to the hospital, Casey's condition hasn't changed and as she is wheeled into the ER, and a nurse who's seen her there many times before for work tries to stop her and tell her she can't go back there, but Olivia isn't about to leave her alone again and let something else happen to her. "I have to go back there; that woman-"

"Detective, the EMTs radioed ahead about her condition, and we can't let friends- _or_ detectives- back there with her; they need to start treating her immediately. I'm sorry, but this time you're going to have to wait in the waiting room with everybody else- I'll find you once I know something about your victim."

"She's _not_ a victim. She's a friend," Olivia snapped, then froze.

Was Casey a rape victim? Really, all she knew was that someone had beaten her... Olivia had no idea if the bastard had raped her or not.

Immediately, her mind rebelled against the idea that Casey had been raped- _all__ because__ she__ had__ left __her__ alone..._- but she knew she had to find out for certain. Olivia stopped the nurse before she walked away and said, "Actually, can have the doctor's run a... a rape kit once she's stable?"

The nurse nodded and left, leaving Olivia to worry herself to death and pray that she hadn't killed Casey.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Elliot didn't drive straight to the DA's office. He was too angry to just sit through hours of security footage and wait for her attacker's face to pop up, because he already knew who her attacker was. It wasn't like there was any question in it- it had to be Gabriel Duvall.

Bastard who had raped dozens of women over the years, and they finally get close to throwing his ass in jail, and suddenly the prosecuting attorney is nearly beaten to death? Hell of a coincidence.

He supposed it was only a matter of time- Casey didn't have the safest job in the world. She prosecuted some of the sickest people in one of the most dangerous cities in the US- it wasn't surprising one of them eventually went after her. But that didn't matter. She wasn't a cop; she was supposed to be _safe_. She wasn't supposed to be in danger of becoming a victim.

Shaking his head, Elliot knocked loudly on Duvall's door, his hand clenched into a fist. He knew that Duvall was going to turn into Casey's nightmare after this- he wanted to be Duvall's nightmare for doing this to the innocent ADA; turning her into a victim.

Duvall opened the door and Elliot forced his way inside, slamming the door against the wall as Duvall backed away in shock. "What do you want?"

"Let me see your hands," Elliot growled, grabbing the bastard's wrists and holding them up so he could see Duvall's knuckles. No cuts or any other signs that he had punched anything recently, but that didn't mean he wasn't behind this.

"What's going on?" Duvall stammered, and Elliot glared at him before pushing him away.

"You're a smart guy, right? Where gloves?"

"I- I don't where gloves, I don't like the way my hands feel." Elliot searched around the small, messy apartment for any evidence of what Duvall had done to Casey, and Duvall asked rather than stated, "I didn't do anything?"

"Where were you tonight?" Elliot asked, deadly quiet.

The bastard tried to avoid the question. "You're gonna have to leave me alone, or I'll call Jason-"

"Call your lawyer," he laughed. "Call your mommy for all I care. They can't protect you from me. Now answer my question- where were you tonight?"

"I just got back from the diner," he stuttered, and the note of fear in his voice gave Elliot a sense of grim pleasure. "Roast chicken, creamed corn, carrots-"

"_Shut __up!_" Elliot yelled at him, pushing Duvall away. He didn't want to hear about what the bastard had eaten after he'd beaten Casey half to death. He looked around again for any signs that Duvall had been at the DA's office earlier that night before glaring at him again and hissing, "You'd better hope somebody saw you there."

SVUSVUSVU

Olivia glared at her watch again. It had been an hour and a half since they had gotten Casey to the hospital- no word on her condition yet. Normally, that would not be a cause for concern, but Casey's condition was critical. That's what the EMT had said, and that meant her case would be a first priority. What the hell could be taking them so long?

It had felt like an eternity, but finally, _finally_, the doctor came out into the waiting room, the doctor who knew if Casey was okay, who knew that she was at least still alive. He called for Detective Benson and suddenly, her exhaustion replaced by a nervous, horrible fear as she got to her feet and hurried over to him, trying to choke out her frantic question.

The doctor nodded and understanding and said, "Ms. Novak's condition is stable. She has a grade three concussion, a dislocated hip, and several broken ribs, which are her most serious problem. She is lucky there wasn't any internal bleeding, and we've stabilized her ribcage so there shouldn't be any problems arising from that, as long as she refrains from any strenuous physical activity. Also, we found glass shards in some of the wounds, several of which we had to stitch up- she'll have to be careful not to tear those open these next several weeks. We also ran that rape kit; she's in the clear. No signs of sexual trauma or penetration."

Olivia heaved a heavy sigh, nearly passing out with relief. She may have Casey's blood on her hands, but not her death. Thank god.

"Thank you so much," she said softly. "Can I see her?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes- we weren't that busy tonight and managed to get her admitted already, but you should know that she's still unconscious. The nurses should of gotten her situated…" He consulted back with Casey's chart before looking back at her and giving her the room number.

Olivia thanked him again before asking him when she would be able to come home. "Well," he started, "we're going to keep her at least 24 hours for observation, because of her concussion. We'll be monitoring her pretty closely and if things look good, we can release her, but she'll have to come back for regular checkups."

She smiled at him before heading off to Casey's room, unable to stop smiling. Yes, Casey was pretty severely injured, but she was still alive. She was going to be okay.

When Olivia raised a hand to brush her hair out of her eyes, she saw that her tan skin was covered with dried, black blood... Casey's. Olivia shuddered when she realized she quite literally did have Casey's _blood_ on her hands, she had to fight the urge to go wash and scrub at it until it came off, because she did not like seeing it.

But she was already at Casey's room and she wanted to be there when Casey woke up. She owed it to her to be there with her... especially because she wasn't with Casey when she needed her the most.

She could wash the blood off later. Right now, she was going to go be with Casey.

Olivia took a deep breath and slowly entered the room, freezing for a moment when she raised her eyes to look at Casey.

The ADA was still asleep, hooked up to several wires to monitor her heart rate and an IV, a slim tube of oxygen under her nose. The numbers on the heart monitor were faster than her pulse had been in her office, but they weren't that steady enough to keep Olivia calm.

She was covered in vicious bruises, ranging in colors from red to blue to purple, like many of the abrasions she saw adorning on the flesh of victim's, just... never on her friend's. Suppressing a slight shiver, Casey swallowed back her guilt and closed the door to the hospital room. The sound woke Casey out of her restless sleep and she stirred slightly, moaning quietly. Casey turned her head slowly to look at the detective, moaning again, and narrowing her eyes to try and focus on the detective. "Li... Liv?" she asked softly, starting to struggle to push herself up onto her elbows as her face contorted with pain.

"Hey, sweetie, it's okay. Don't get up," she said softly, walking forward to stand next to Casey's bed. "It's all right."

Casey winced again, slowly lying down again, staring at Olivia in confusion. "Wha... what's going on?"

Olivia smiled kindly at her and tried to break it to her gently. "Well, you're in the hospital... you were attacked, sweetheart, and your attacker beat up you pretty badly. Don't worry," she said quickly when Olivia saw the panic in the ADA's swollen, battered eyes. "You're going to be okay."

Olivia walked closer to her and sat down on the bed next to the bruised, broken body and resting her hand on top of Casey's. "Who- who did this?" Casey asked shakily, starting to tremble.

"Well," the detective said gently, "I was hoping that you could tell me."

But this only confused Casey more. She tilted her head to the side and she asked hoarsely, "But didn't anyone see? There... there were so many people there."

Olivia frowned, unsure of what Casey was talking about. "Where?"

Casey watched her uncertainly, wondering what Olivia was trying to do- she had been in the squad room as well; she knew what she was talking about. "In the squad room," she said, shrugging slightly, her fear growing when she saw Olivia's expression contort in first confusion, then sadness.

_I__ can't __do __this..._ Olivia looked back up at Casey's pale face, so bruised and swollen and battered... she couldn't tell her the truth. Casey wasn't a victim yet; Olivia could just tell her that she was in a car accident or something, that's why she couldn't remember...

Yes, Casey wasn't a victim.

But what Olivia had to tell her now was going to make her one.

"Oh, no, honey," Olivia said softly. "That was this afternoon. You were attacked at night, after dinner, in your office. Remember? We were talking, and I went to get coffee, and..." _I__ left __you __alone__ and__ he__ came__ up__ there __and__ hurt__ you,__ I'm__ so __sorry,__ I'm __so__ sorry,__ I'm __so __sorry..._

Casey stared at Olivia, pain mixing with panic as her words clicked together to form a message that couldn't possibly be true, but it had to be, because Olivia wouldn't lie to her, and certainly not about something like this. But she can't remember what Olivia's talking about. She shook her head, tears coming to her eyes, and her detective's expression grew frightened for a split second before Olivia carefully wiped her face blank and asked, "You don't remember?"

"No," she half-said, half-sobbed, shaking her head again. "No, I can't, it's all blank!"

"Shh, shh," Olivia tried to soothe her, squeezing her hand gently. "It's okay, Casey, it's okay. It's just gonna take a while for you to get your memory back."

Casey shook her head again frantically when she realized something. Immediately, the question burned in her throat, begging to be released but too horrible to be said aloud, but... she had to know. She couldn't live with not knowing. "Did he ra-" she choked on the word, sobbing again as she struggled to force it from her throat, no matter how terrifying and horrible it sounded out loud, "did he rape me?"

That single word made her want to throw up, but Olivia rested a hand on her shaking forearm and met her eye, saying softly, "No."

But this only made the ADA cry harder, maybe out of relief. She sobbed painfully, begging, "Why can't I remember?" Her voice- god, was that really her?- was wrought and torn with fear and pain as she pleaded for something, anything to give her peace from this living nightmare.

Olivia moved closer to her and told her, "You don't have to. We're gonna find this guy. Elliot's at your office right now looking through the surveillance tapes, okay?"

Casey heaved deep, wracking sobs, holding onto Olivia as if her life depended on it. The detective's hand on hers was the only thing holding her to reality right now, the only thing convincing her that, despite all the voices in her head crying, _It's __all__ a __bad__ dream,__ it's__ all__ a __nightmare__ and__ I'm__ gonna __wake __up!_ that this nightmare was really happening.

Olivia gently comforted the crying ADA, her detective mind saying that Casey would have to remember what happened- not just for the case and so she could get justice, but so she could really heal from this. But as her friend- was it really best for Casey to see through the hazy blur of her memories to the one she wanted to remember more than ever? Should she really see this bastard beating her senseless and leaving her broken and bleeding on the floor? Was that what was best for her?

Yes, Olivia decided, she was going to have to remember. Because no matter how much those memories would frighten Casey, no matter how horrifying it would be for the ADA to remember what he'd done to her, leaving this amnesiac to live in the shadow of forgetfulness wasn't an option. Casey was going to have to remember. That was the only way she would be able to heal from this.

Olivia had been comforting Casey as best as she could, but once her initial outburst was over, Casey had fallen silent, as if afraid that if she spoke up, she would start crying again and wouldn't be able to stop. Olivia could tell the ADA was struggling to stay awake, so she squeezed the ADA's hand gently and said, "Hey, Case? It's pretty late, and I'm sure you're exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?"

Casey shook her head and hastily wiped another tear from her bruised cheek, wincing slightly. "No, no," she said, her voice still hoarse. "I- I've only been awake a couple minutes, not that late, and I don't want to pass out on you- hey, why don't you go home, get some rest? I'll be okay here."

"Casey," Olivia said softly, "I'm not going home right now. I'm staying with you until I'm absolutely sure you're okay. Don't worry about me. Anyway, your only priority is rest, sweetheart- look, I can see how tired you are. Just close your eyes; get some sleep."

Normally, Casey would of protested, but... she was so, so tired. And sleep sounded so incredible. With all the painkillers in that cursed IV coursing through her bloodstream, it sounded so, so wonderful.

When the ADA nodded at her, her eyes glued on her lap, Olivia smiled at her and turned the light out over her bed.

Without Olivia's hand on hers and the light out in the hospital room... suddenly, she can't do this. It's so dark she can't see. She can't see and it scares her. She can't see anything; what if her attacker's there? What if her attacker's waiting for her in the darkness; what if he's back and is going to hurt her?

If Olivia's hand was on hers again, she could feel safe- she'd know, without a doubt, that her detective was there with her and that she was safe. But she can't ask Olivia to do something like that for her- after all, her detective was here in this hospital room all night with her and she didn't have to be. She couldn't say anything.

When she saw her faceless attacker looming in the darkness again, she wrapped her arms around herself and crushed herself against the uncomfortable mattress, trying to roll away from Olivia and whimpered when the pain conquered her and she lay still.

"Casey?" Olivia asked worriedly. "You all right?"

The ADA shook her head, tears in her eyes. "No... yes... I just- I'm fine, Liv," she sighed in defeat, giving up trying to explain. She didn't want to tell Olivia anything that made her seem this weak. She was a grown woman, for god's sakes; she shouldn't be scared of the dark.

"Case, talk to me."

Olivia hesitated, then said softly, "Casey, sweetheart, you don't have anything to be ashamed of here. After what just happened to you, I wouldn't expect you to be acting like everything was okay- because it's not. Just tell me what you want; what you need. Please? Let me be there for you."

The ADA paused before averting her eyes and mumbling, "Um, could you please turn on the light? And, after that, not let go of my hand? I mean, if it's not too much just trouble, I don't want to-"

"Shh," Olivia told her, patting her shoulder gently before turning the light back on. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of," she repeated it. "You don't have to embarrassed. It's just me and you here; you're okay, Casey." She gently tugged the hospital blanket higher cover Casey's battered body, then rested her hand on top of Casey's and asked, "Is that better?"

Casey nodded, her eyes closed tightly in embarrassment. She couldn't believe how pathetic she was being- and now her friend, this amazing woman who Casey looked up to, could see the weak woman she really was.

Normally, the shame and embarrassment would of kept her awake; she wouldn't be able to sleep. But now, with all these painkillers coursing through her body and everything, everything still hurts, sleep would make an incredible escape and these sweet drugs are making her sleepy.

When Olivia saw that Casey was asleep again, she sighed sadly, shaking her head. She felt horrible. This was all her fault- if she had just stayed five more seconds, Casey would of been fine. Olivia had known there was someone coming up; she'd been there when she'd gotten that call for flowers- hell, she'd even passed the bastard when she was leaving Casey's office for coffee! But no, she'd left and now Casey was in the hospital because of it.

Sighing softly again, Olivia tried to swallow back her guilt as she squeezed Casey's hand gently. Right now, this wasn't about her. It was about Casey, and Casey needed her to be strong for the both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

Couple favorite story alerts, nearly three hundred hits in six days, and no reviewers. Woo.

**Chapter 3**

Olivia's cell phone buzzed, and she sighed before pulling it out and glancing at the text message.

_Casey's attacker wasn't Duvall. It was Milan Zergin. Nina's brother._

_Interrogating him now, be at the hospital soon. –El_

She frowned, rereading the message again to make sure she hadn't misunderstood. Nina's brother? But... that didn't make any sense. Why would he go after Casey? Casey had been trying to help Nina, for god's sakes!

Olivia forced herself to shake her head as she looked back up at the sleeping ADA. When Casey woke up, maybe Elliot would of returned to the hospital with a better explanation, one Olivia couldn't figure out herself. There was no reason for Olivia to wake her up now, rousing her out of her much-needed sleep to tell her that they had found her attacker, yet had no idea the motive behind it.

Olivia leaned forward, resting her head on her folded arms, lying it on the bed next to Casey's hip and keeping one hand covering Casey's. Zergin was in custody now; no chance of the son of a bitch coming back here. She could get a little sleep; Casey would be safe.

* * *

><p>Elliot walked slowly into the interrogation room, glaring steadily at Zergin. He turned slowly to face Elliot, then said, "I was tortured by murder squads in Yugoslavia. I don't scare easily."<p>

Elliot held up a print out of the security footage, showing Zergin bringing the flowers into the DA's office, right before Casey was attacked. "Well, maybe a hard twenty five in Attica will." He didn't bother mentioning that he would personally love to scare the hell out of Zergin for hurting Casey so badly; that would only give the bastard satisfaction.

Zergin swallowed hard but didn't say anything, just continued to glare at his own reflection in the observation room window. "Takes a real man to beat a woman half to death."

When Zergin turned around to face Elliot, his expression was impassive. "She got what she deserved."

If Elliot hadn't had so much experience controlling his emotions when perps threatened his wife or his daughters or his partner, he probably would of punched the bastard right then and there. Instead, he took a threatening step forward and snapped, "What did she do to you? What the hell did she do to you?"

"That lawyer made my sister tell that jury what happened. Now she will never find a husband. That is the lawyer's fault; she had to be punished."

Elliot glared at him, his thick hands clenched into fists. "Your sister was raped. She's got to deal with that, so do you." _I__ can't__ believe__ this.__ This__ bastard__ put__ Casey__ in__ the __hospital__ because __he __was__ selfish__ and __took__ out__ his__ anger__ on__ her.__ She__ was__ HELPING__ Nina__ and__ he __chose,__ out__ of__ all__ people,__ to__ hurt__ her._

"Nina shamed herself... she shamed our family."

"Oh, so this is about you?"

Zergin raised his glare to Elliot and said coldly, "I got our honor back."

"You think what you did was honorable?" Elliot exclaimed. The images of Casey being wheeled into the ambulance, unconscious and bleeding flashed through his mind- how the hell was that honorable? "You're just like the man who raped her."

Zergin's face contorted with anger and he launched himself at Elliot, who grabbed his arm in mid air and pinned him down on the table. It was difficult for him- Casey was half his size, hadn't had self-defense training, and he had caught her by surprise. She hadn't had a chance.

Elliot led the bastard out of the interrogation room, pushing him into the arms of a waiting officer as Zergin shouted, "Beating that lawyer was not enough. I should of killed that bitch! And my sister Nina will never testify, she-"

"Yeah, yeah, we'll see about that," Elliot muttered under his breath, walking towards Cragen's office when he saw the Captain beckoning him inside.

Once the door was shut, Elliot found himself face to face with Eleanor Duvall- Gabriel Duvall's mother. One look at her face told him why she was here. _Oh__ shit._

She didn't waste any time. "You barged into my son's home last night. You threatened him."

Elliot paused, trying to find the best way to explain this so it didn't sound as bad as it had been. "I was investigating an attack on an assistant district attorney."

"Which he did not commit."

"I didn't know that at the time-"

"You would have... if you had _investigated_."

Elliot grimaced... well, at least nothing he said could make this situation worse. Both he and the Captain waited through the angry woman's speech as she continued, "The Captain tells me that you have been a police officer for over fifteen years. Do you like your job, Detective?"

_Oh ,__god,__ now __I__ know__ where__ this __is__ going..._ He nodded. "Yes."

"Then don't go near my son again. I am friends with the police chief and the mayor. Don't make me call them." Elliot didn't say anything, just kept on watching until her fierce glare faded away and she said, "You owe us an apology."

Elliot nodded, forcing a fake, insincere smile as he said shortly, "I'm sorry, ma'am."

"Not to me. To my son."

He was going to apologize to a rapist, simply because the bastard couldn't handle having a few threats tossed at him? Seems like he could give a beating but couldn't take it. And he really didn't want to apologize for trying to bring Casey's attacker to justice- even if Duvall hadn't assaulted her.

Luckily, Cragen saved her the trouble by saying, "I don't think it's a good idea for Detective Stabler and your son should be together anytime soon, considering the current situation. Send your son Detective Stabler's apologies for this misunderstanding."

The woman hesitated before nodding coldly. "I hope this does not happen again. Good evening, Detective."

After she was gone, Elliot turned to Cragen and started to explain. "Captain-"

"Save it, Elliot. I probably would of thrown him out the window."

Elliot smirked and nodded in agreement, then said, "Well, we've got bigger problems than that."

Cragen sighed and shook his head, clearly not interested to hear about something worse than his detective assaulting their main suspect and their ADA being attacked. "What?" he asked angrily, crossing his arms and closing his eyes for a moment.

"It's Nina. Her brother's saying that she doesn't want to testify- I can talk to her, if you want."

Cragen hesitated, then shook his head. "No, let Novak do it."

Elliot frowned before explaining, "Cap, she's still in the hospital and probably won't be back at work for a couple days."

"I know... Liv said she should be released from the hospital tonight. Ask her if she can stop by Nina's place on her way home."

* * *

><p>Casey woke up late the next morning, opening her eyes slowly to the sight of Olivia fast asleep, her head lying on the mattress next to her hand. Casey smiled slightly, her grin growing wider when she saw that, in her sleep, the detective still hadn't let go of her hand. She sighed, then, remembering her embarrassing plea from last night.<p>

Swallowing back her shame, Casey slid her hand out from beneath Olivia's and rested it on her stomach, rolling her head over to stare out the window. It was cloudy and overcast, like it was about to rain. Casey raised a hand to brush her hair out of her eyes, then froze, staring at a small blood stain on her hand.

She didn't like how that scarlet smudge looked on her pale skin. Casey hated it. Was it hers or her attackers? Probably hers. Does it matter? No. If its hers, then Casey doesn't want to see it at all. If its her attacker's, Casey wants to get it off of her, right now.

One of the nurses must have taken off the oxygen tube and those wires for the heart monitor while she slept, so she was free to move around. Casey got slowly to her feet, making sure not to wake Olivia up and leaning on the IV pole for support, heading towards the bathroom to wash the blood off... and that was when she realized there would be a mirror in there. She would see herself in the mirror.

Her face hurt like hell. Casey did not want to see that. She did not want to see all those bruises on her skin, the swelling, this... it would be horrible. God, she wouldn't be able to handle it.

Deciding against washing off the blood, Casey slowly got back into bed and instead, licked her hand and started rubbing the blood stain furiously. She wanted it to go away. Honestly, she couldn't stand the sight of it. "Damn this," Casey muttered under her breath, which roused the sleeping detective by her side.

Olivia blinked her eyes open, raising her head off the bed and looking around in momentary confusion. "What's... oh. Casey. Hi."

Casey smiled at her, then winced as her the cut on her lip nearly split open again. "Good morning. How'd you sleep?" Olivia groaned and sat upright, stretching her aching muscles.

"Ugh... that's the last time I sleep in a chair," Olivia sighed. "I'm sure it wasn't much worse than you, though- after all, hospital beds aren't exactly known for being comfortable." Casey smiled at her and shrugged.

"Well, I'm not going to argue with you on that point... hey, you didn't tell me last night- how long do I have to stay in the hospital? I really want to get home."

Olivia tried to give her a comforting smile before saying, "Well, the doctor said yesterday they'll have to keep you at least 24 hours- means you'll probably be able to get out of here sometime tonight, and it's already ten in the morning, so, not too long. But you're going to have to take it easy for awhile."

"What?" Casey exclaimed. "Why? Come on, Liv, I'm fine- just a few bruises, that's all-"

"Just a few bruises?" Olivia interrupted. "Um, Case, I'm pretty sure a concussion, some broken ribs, a dislocated hip, and stitches is a hell of a lot more than 'a few bruises'. And, Casey, when the doctor releases you tonight, I'm staying with you until you're completely recovered. End of story. You can try and fight me if you want, but it won't work."

"Olivia!" Casey exclaimed. "Come on, I don't need a babysitter! I- I, uh... oh. He hurt me that much? I, uh... um, are you sure you don't have any suspects? Any at all?"

Olivia blinked- she had forgotten that Elliot had texted her about Zergin. Grimacing, she rested her hand on Casey's again and said, "Um, well, Case, actually... last night, when you were asleep, El texted me. We arrested the bastard. We know who it was."

Casey's expression immediately clouded with fear before she replaced it with an emotionless mask, staring at the detective through nervous, swollen eyes. "Who... who was it?"

Olivia smiled comfortingly at her and said gently, "It was Milan Zergin. Nina's brother."

Confusion bloomed across Casey's face as she blinked in surprise. "I- I'm sorry, but isn't Nina my rape victim? What... but what did her brother have against me? I thought I was trying to help her..."

All the detective could do was shrug helplessly. "I'm sorry, Casey, I don't know. Elliot's text said he was interrogating Zergin and he'd stop by the hospital afterwards- I can't think of any reason, though." Casey swallowed nervously, unsettled. The ADA crossed her arms over herself and looked away, her eyes glassy as she tried to figure out what she had done to anger Zergin so much that he had to do this.

"I wasn't trying to hurt him," she said aloud. "I swear, I thought I was trying to help her. She didn't say anything; I thought that she wanted me to bring her rapist to justice, I-"

"It's okay, Casey," Olivia said quietly as the ADA's voice cracked. "It's not your fault. You were helping Nina. Her brother, just... well, Elliot will be able to tell you more when he gets down here, but I can't give you an explanation, sweetie."

Casey gave her a tiny, uncertain and insincere smile before looking away again. She wanted to do something to take her mind off this- but, for heaven's sakes, in her current condition, the most she could do was take a walk. But that wasn't enough. She wanted to go running, or go to the batting cages, or go to work- but until she was released from this prison of a hospital, she was just stuck lying in bed and letting Olivia baby her. And that was the worst part; Olivia giving her sympathy- because when the sweet detective was smiling at her and giving her unwanted pity and treating her like a victim, it was harder to deny that something- or everything- was wrong.

She had to get out of this damn hospital room. This was where Olivia had witnessed her being an idiot and asking why nobody had seen anything, saying she'd been attacked in the squad room. This was when she'd had to ask if she had been raped. Where she'd pleaded with Olivia to leave the light on like she was a little kid and asked her to hold her hand like a baby.

And a shower. She could take a shower without looking in the mirror, and, right now, she was covered in bruises and scrapes and cuts- all traces of her attacker. She wanted to wash them _off_... but those damn doctors. They probably wouldn't let her.

After a moment of hesitation, she looked back up at Olivia, doctors be dammed, and started to say, "Hey, Liv, do you think there's any way I could-" but she was interrupted by Elliot walking into the hospital room. Her head snapped up to look at the detective, eagerly awaiting the explanation Olivia had promised. _Well...__ eagerly __awaiting,__ anxiously __dreading,__ same__ difference_. "Elliot," she said softly, wrapping her arms around herself as if that could somehow soften the hurt his explanation was sure to bring.

"Hey, Casey," he replied. "Liv." He walked slowly forward, standing at her bedside and resting his hand near her hip. "How are you?"

She shrugged weakly and tried to smile. "Pretty good, I think- uh, have you interrogated Zergin yet? I mean, do you know why he..."

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, he..." Elliot hesitated, then, remembering back to the details of the interrogation- Casey really didn't need to know the specifics. She didn't need to know what Zergin had said about her- that beating her had been honorable, that he should of killed her- telling her those details really wouldn't be a good idea. He would have to censor out the details that would upset her... she'd already been through enough. "Well, it's because he's Muslim, Casey. Because of her religion, he thought that Nina would never be able to find a husband, and he saw you as responsible for her rape coming out into the open. Zergin thought that hurting you would somehow gain some sort of 'honor' back, that Nina supposedly lost when she was raped," he said gently.

Casey didn't react outwardly for a moment; she continued staring at him in confusion before looking away "O- oh," she said in a trembling voice. "I, um... but, I didn't know that I was... I thought I was helping Nina. Well, trying to help her. I didn't realize that it would make her brother mad; I just-"

"It's all right, Casey," Elliot soothed gently. "You didn't ask for this and even if you had done something to make Zergin angry, that certainly doesn't justify what he did to you."

The ADA sighed nervously and started playing with a strand of her hair, twirling it again and again around her finger to distract herself before asking, "Hey, I know it's a little early, but do you think one of you could find the doctor and see if I can be released yet? I really have to get back to work; I mean, just because I got smacked a little doesn't mean that I should lie around all day and leave Nina and my other victims behind!" She forced a wide, insincere smile, attempting to convince both the detectives and herself that she was all right; that this whole ordeal was nothing.

Elliot and Olivia exchanged worried glances before the former said, "Casey, do you really want to come back to work this soon? I mean, surely Branch gave you a couple days off..."

Casey shrugged. "I don't know, probably- I haven't talked to him yet. But I don't need to take any time off. And really, this isn't a big deal! I'm sure I don't look too good, but it's better than it looks. It doesn't hurt too much, and I'm not going to make my victims hold off on getting justice or be forced into using some blunt ADA who's not used to handling live victims."

The detectives looked at each other again before Olivia said, "Casey, you're no help to the victims if you keep pushing yourself so hard. How can you help these people when you won't accept any yourself? Come on, Case, take a couple days off, take care of _yourself _for a change, and-"

"Liv!" Casey interrupted. "Look, I understand, you're worried about me, but you don't have to be. Just a bruise or two, I'll be fine... here, I'll compromise. You said that they'd be releasing me late tonight, right? Well, there's nothing I can really do down there so late at night. So I'll go home tonight, head over to work tomorrow."

Elliot knew Olivia wouldn't be happy to hear this, but he did have to say this. "Well, if you're this committed to working so soon, Casey- though I still say it's a bad idea- you've got to talk to Nina. She's got cold feet about testifying."

Both Olivia and Casey looked up at him in surprise, and the ADA stammered, "What? Wait… but what the hell do you mean? She can't do that!"

"Yeah, Cragen wants you to talk with her, Casey. If any of us went there, she'd value her promise to her brother more than talking to us. But, you... Cragen thinks that she'd feel obligated to talk to you, because of what her brother did to you."

"Oh, so Cragen wants to make her feel guilty? I don't want to take any part in that." Casey crossed her arms furiously and shook her head- she wasn't going to be a part of making the victim feel even guiltier about herself.

Elliot grimaced and said, "I know, Case, but this might be her only chance- no, this _is_ her only chance to get justice. And how many women have you seen who regretted the fact that they didn't take the chance when they had it?" Casey looked away and bit her lip, knowing what he was trying to do and trying to resent him for it, but she couldn't. "And you may make her feel guilty when she sees you, but it's going to get her justice. That's worth it, isn't it? That's why you're in this job."

Casey sighed, this time in defeat. She knew he was right. Her sweet, nice detectives were always annoyingly right. "Fine," she conceded. "I'll talk to her. But then I'm going back to work," she affirmed, trying to gain some ground of her own.

Olivia just smiled at her and patted her hand. "Soon, Casey. Soon." Casey just gave up trying to protest and leaned back against the pillows, resuming playing with her hair. It gave her something to focus on besides arguing about work... because, that would always lead to discussion of her injuries and, invariably, her attack, which was not something she was keen on talking about.

* * *

><p>"All right, you're all clear to go home- however, you have a stressful job, and, with your injuries, you really do need to take a couple days off. You're also going to need to keep coming back for checkups until your concussion's worn off, which could last a month or more."<p>

Casey smiled at the doctor as he handed her a clipboard, showing her where to sign. "I have to get back to work; just sign yourself out at the nurse's station and pick up your prescription at the pharmacy downstairs." After he was gone, Olivia gave her a small smile as she set her change of clothes that Elliot had brought down for her on the end of the hospital bed.

"So, you ready to get out of here?" Olivia questioned gently and smiled at her. Casey nodded immediately.

"Yeah- never thought that the prospect of lying down in my own damn bed would sound so heavenly." She reached out and took the clothes, then shrunk back from standing up and the harsh pain that was going to be. Olivia stood up and held out her hand to help Casey up. Embarrassed but fearing the intense pain that had already begun to surface without the IV of sweet, sweet painkillers, Casey took her hand and allowed herself to be pulled upright. Her gaze rested momentarily on that cursed object on the end of the bed, but she didn't want to use that cane right now. She didn't to use a cane _ever_.

Olivia helped Casey to the bathroom attached to her room and asked gently, "Do you need any help getting dressed?"

Casey's pride rebelled against the very notion and she shook her head immediately; vigorously. "No!" she burst out. "No, I'm fine! ...Uh, I mean no, but thank you." She blushed furiously and looked down at her feet, but Olivia just softly rubbed her shoulder and smiled at her.

"It's all right, Casey," she assured her. "I'll be right outside if you need me."

Trying to smile at her again, Casey slipped into the bathroom and shut the door, sitting down on the counter and groaning softly at the pain in her ribs before looking at the clothes Olivia had brought her- sweatpants, a jacket, and sneakers. She briefly wondered why the detective had brought her a jacket and not a shirt, but when she was putting it on, she realized- she would of had to raise her arms to pull a shirt over her head, which probably would of hurt her ribs like all hell. And a blouse would of been tighter than a jacket- rubbed up against her many bruises, causing yet another shockwave of pain. A jacket was perfect.

While Casey dressed, she took great care to make sure she did not look in the mirror. Without the drugs, it was starting to hurt so much. She did not want to see the bruises. That... that wouldn't be fun to look at. _Wouldn't__ be __fun?__ Oh,__ hell.__ That's__ the __understatement__ of__ the __century._

Sighing sadly, Casey continued to get dressed as slowly and gently as possible... it still hurt.

When she had finally succeeded in getting dressed, Casey got slowly to her feet, holding herself up by the counter and making her way to the door, wincing with every step. Olivia was waiting for her, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. The detective grinned at her and Casey said, "Thanks for the clothes and the ride home. You really don't have to do that, by the way- I'll be okay taking a taxi."

"It's fine, Case," Olivia said gently. She stood up just as a nurse walked into the room, pushing an wheelchair in front of her, and she paled at the idea of further humiliation.

The nurse must have seen her discomfort because she smiled apologetically and said, "Hospital policy, Ms. Novak."

Despite her protests, Casey couldn't get past both Olivia and the nurse, so she was forced to allow the detective to wheel her out of the hospital room. Her face was red with embarrassment, which grew worse Olivia stopped at the pharmacy on their way out and handed over the prescription for the pain meds. How the hell was she ever going to show her face at work again, after Olivia had seen her in such a pathetic state?

And, while she had told Olivia she didn't want any pain meds... it was starting to hurt so much- and one sweet pill could make it all go away. Modern medicine certainly was a wonderful invention.

Casey got shakily to her feet once they had escaped the confines of the hospital, pulling herself upright with that cursed cane... that did make her ribs stop hurting, at least a tiny bit. Olivia walked slowly behind her, watching her carefully limp towards the squad car. The detective tried to help her into the low seat but Casey lashed out again, almost involuntarily.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Liv," she said once the moment of anger had ended. "I- I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay, Casey," she said, patting her shoulder before moving around to the driver's side and getting in. "It's fine."

Casey didn't want the detective to keep telling her that this was okay. It was like Olivia was giving her excuses for being a bitch, ever since her attack. She didn't want excuses; hell, she didn't deserve them. She was reacting like a victim, but she wasn't one. She hadn't been raped. Why was she acting like this was a bigger deal than it was?

The ADA closed her eyes and leaned her against the window... that blissfully cool window that calmed her steadily pounding headache, if only slightly. If she positioned herself just the right way, her ribs weren't unbearable, but every sharp turn Olivia made resulted in Casey biting back a cry of pain. Olivia noticed and apologized softly, but Casey kept her eyes closed and continued to try to sleep. The remnants of the hospital's pain medications made her woozy, though they did little to block the agony, and thus, she managed to fall into sleep easily. As if this was all just a nightmare.

Please review so I know if this is good or not.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks to Holly Version 2.0 for reviewing, and I know there are others out there. And to anybody reading this who post stories on this site, you all should be aware that there's a problem with the site's word processor. I think that's the correct term, but the point is, any italics text is being entered without spaces so, for example, _this__garbled__mess_ comes out unless you preview it on the document manager several minutes after you put it there, then put the spaces back in. If you preview it right away, you can only view one line at a time and it's also still in programming language (very inefficient programming language, which is probably the problem). /End long rant.

**Chapter 4**

"So, do you want anything, Case?" Olivia asked as she helped the ADA sit down on the edge of her bed.

Casey's gaze rested for a moment on the new bottle of pills on the nightstand, and Olivia saw both her distaste and longing in her eyes. Then she looked back at Olivia and said, "Shower. I'm just going to take a shower."

Olivia nodded in understanding. "Okay. Do you need any help?" Casey's shake of head was so fast she winced from the pain her headache brought. The detective rubbed her thigh gently before standing up and saying, "All right. I'll be making up the pull out couch. If you need anything at all, just call me, okay?"

She waited until Casey nodded at her to smile and walk out of the room, leaving the ADA alone.

Casey took a deep breath, then gripped the cane tighter and stood, moving around her room to find clothes to wear after her shower. She wanted to hurry up so she could get some sleep tonight; after all, tomorrow was her meeting with Nina and she was going back to work. Maybe, if she got a lot of sleep, this horrible headache would go away and she could just forget about all of this.

Once again, Casey avoided looking at the mirror as she slowly started to get undressed. She knew she would have to eventually, but maybe she could find a way to avoid seeing any signs of what her body had gone through that night... god, was it only one day ago? It felt like a lifetime.

She hesitated as she was pulling off her jacket, her gaze resting on the bandages wrapped around her stomach and the purple bruises underneath. _You've__ always__ bruised__ easily,_ she tried to tell herself. _You've__ got__ pale__ skin ,__so __it__ just__ looks __worse __than __it__ is.__ It's __really __not__ a__ big__ deal._

Yet she still couldn't get up enough courage to look in the mirror as she turned on the shower. She wanted the water burning hot, but her bruised, broken skin already was hurting and it was only lukewarm, so that would have to do. Slowly, she shampooed her hair, wincing every time she raised her arms above her head. Her hip was bothering her, but every time she tried to stand on one leg, her ribs weren't able to bear it.

Biting back a soft whimper of pain, Casey slowly scrubbed over pale skin, biting her lip every time she found another blood stain. Well... it was probably going to be a long while before she felt clean again. And she's been in the shower for nearly half an hour; those painkillers in her bedroom are calling out to her, even though she doesn't want to take any of those drugs to make her feel better, because it's like admitting weakness. With a soft sigh, she slowly turns off the water, wincing again.

It hurt to get dressed, more than it had at the hospital. She usually wore a pair of short gym shirts and a man's dress shirt to bed- not exactly sexy, but who was she trying to seduce? All she was aiming for right now was a couple hours of lying down in her own damn bed and getting some sleep.

Olivia was out in her living room, probably already sleep, so Casey limped towards her bed and got herself comfortable before reaching for the bottle of pills. Olivia had left a glass of water on the nightstand for her, and the ADA smiled slightly before tossing back one of the painkillers. With her experiences, she knew it would take about ten, twenty minutes for them to fully take effect, which gave her some unwanted time to think.

Faced with so much time for her to contemplate her attack- again- Casey immediately set about finding something to keep her occupied. When she found her laptop, Casey smiled, proud at the managing to find the perfect distraction- not only would it give her an endless line of perfect, lovely distractions, but the screen would light up, and she could turn the light off and feel like a grown woman again. That meant she wouldn't be forced to leave the light on, and she could truthfully pass her laptop being left on as a result of her just falling asleep while in the middle of work. What a nice way to avoid any further embarrassment- that seemed to be the only thing she was focusing on, as of late.

* * *

><p>The drugs Casey had taken the night before knocked her out cold, and, thus, she experienced no nightmares. She just opened her eyes and it was morning. And with the morning came another headache, one that was a little better than yesterday's, and a still sharp pain in her ribs. Casey sighed softly, then rolled her head over to look at her clock. "Oh, damn," she mumbled, slowly pushing herself upright- she was going to be late for work if she didn't hurry.<p>

Casey glared at her cane for a moment before grasping it and using it to stand up. She limped towards her bathroom, but she was still half-asleep. She didn't remember that she had been forcing herself not to look in the mirror, and this time, she caught her reflection and saw what Zergin had done to her for the first time.

Bruises. Huge, horrible bruises, all over her face and neck. Over a day and still red and blue and purple. Oh god, was that really her? Cut on her lip, black with dried blood. Paler skin than usual; she looked like a ghost. Swelling that disfigured her features- her now disgusting features. She looks like a hideous ghost now. Like some beat her to death an this is just the reflection of her ghost.

She can't draw her eyes away from the horrendous marks, the large abrasions in the violent colors, each one a sign from where Zergin had hit her, hurt her, tried to break her...

Suddenly, Casey doesn't want to go to work today. People can't see her like this. They can't see her so weak; so pathetic for letting this happen. Casey turned and started to make her way back to her bed, then jumped. "Olivia!" she gasped, putting a hand over her heart. "You scared me."

The detective smiled apologetically from where she stood by her bed. "Sorry. I didn't think you'd be up already- you know, because you're on those painkillers. They always made me sleep more."

Casey shook her head and grinned at her. "Liv, I've been asleep for twelve hours straight. That's more than three times the amount of sleep I get on some nights on this job."

Olivia shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah. So, Case, you still going to work today?"

"Um, actually? I changed my mind about that. I think I might stay home for a couple days. You know. Just take it easy, like you said."

Olivia blinked, clearly surprised. "Oh- really? I'm surprised. Well, uh, that's good, I mean. But why did you change your mind? I thought you were dead set on going to work."

She shrugged and headed back towards her bedroom, avoiding Olivia's gaze. "It's not a big deal, really, I... I just, um... nothing. It's nothing," she finished with a bright smile, trying to convince her. When Olivia's skeptical expression didn't change, she said quickly, "So, I'm supposed to talk to Nina today, right? Well, let's go ahead and get it over with. It's best to do it sooner rather than later, right?"

"Yeah..." Olivia watched uncertainly as Casey swallowed two more pain pills, then started moving around her room, searching for a suit to wear. The detective watched her uncertainly for a moment before shaking her head and walking away in confusion, leaving Casey alone for the time being. "Call me if you need anything," she said over her shoulder.

Casey nodded slightly before turning to her closet to pull out her favorite jacket, freezing when she realized it was nowhere to be seen.

Oh, yeah. It wouldn't be in there. She had worn that the day she had been assaulted. Maybe it was still in her office. Maybe it had been stained so irreparably with blood the nurses had thrown it out. Maybe maybe maybe. She didn't care; it wasn't her favorite jacket anymore if Zergin had beaten her up in it.

The shirt she'd worn to bed last night was really so much more comfortable than a blouse would be. But this was a business meeting; and besides, she wasn't going to go out in her pajamas. Just because she felt like shit didn't mean she had to look like it.

Skirt. She can't wear a skirt because she's pretty sure there's bruises on her legs. Has to wear pants. High heels? No. High heels plus a cane equaled complete disaster. She'd have to wear her favorite pair of boots- Casey didn't like wearing them to the office anymore. Her favorite, expensive, perfect leather boots really didn't belong around the harsh, vile nature of sex crimes- she knew how shallow that sounded, even in her head, but now, Casey only wore them on her days off or on dates. But maybe could she allow herself to break her rule about wearing these boots around sex crimes, just this once.

Okay. Pants, favorite boots- now she needed a blouse. Actually, she could wear a much more comfortable shirt if she just wore a jacket- wow. These injuries really did put constraints in her life everywhere. Damn Zergin for doing this to her.

And, of course, if she was going out in public, her face couldn't look like this. Makeup was going to be her best friend these next couple days... or weeks. These bruises could take a long while to heal.

Since Casey was far from a professional in this area, it took her almost twenty minutes to do a half-ass job. When she was almost done, Olivia called, "Hey, Casey? You ready?"

"Yeah, almost. Just doing my makeup; you can come in."

The detective walked into the room, frowning when she saw what the ADA was doing. Casey was trying to cover up all the bruises and cuts, but she wasn't doing too good a job. And it wasn't even possible for her to cover up the stitches on her forehead with makeup, no matter how hard Casey was clearly trying. "Hey, Case- what are you doing?"

Casey shrugged while applying a layer of lipstick over that damned cut. "Mm dtrs sik fluk," she said, and Olivia chuckled.

"Casey, next time, I think you'd have better luck talking if you're not putting on lipstick at the same time."

They both laughed, and Casey put her lipstick down before turning to her and repeating herself, this time legibly. "I'm just making myself look presentable. Did you see me earlier? I can't go out looking like that." She smiled slightly before glancing back at her reflection unhappily. It could fool a passing glance sent her way by someone on the street, but if anyone examined her closer, they would see the faint shadows on her pale skin, those that, without makeup, would be vivid marks of her beating.

"Casey, you looked fine before," she said gently. "Just because Zergin took it upon himself to get justice for his sister's assault and somehow wind up hurting you doesn't mean _you_have to be ashamed." Olivia kept on talking, but this speech was starting to sound far too familiar.

The victim speech. The speech Casey gave to her victims. That she'd heard the detectives give a thousand times. The speech she never, _ever_ wanted to be on the receiving end of. "Olivia," she interrupted quickly, "can we please hurry this up? I want to simply get it over with. It's not like I love trying to convince victims to testify when all it'll end up being is reliving their attacks in a room full of people." _Reliving__ their__ attacks...__ will__ I__ be__ able__ to__ relive __mine?__ I__ still__ can't __remember..._

* * *

><p>"Casey," Olivia said softly, smiling at her as the ADA jolted awake.<p>

"Sorry," Casey apologized as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "It's just those painkillers the doctor gave me. They make me sleepy," she said with a tiny smile. Olivia chuckled and nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, I know. I never like having to take them," she offered.

After convincing Nina to testify, it had been a little past noon, so they had gone to their favorite café for lunch. As Casey's eyes started drooping closed again, Olivia reached out and touched her shoulder gently. "Hey, Case? You seem pretty tired. Why don't we just get the food to go so we can get you home?"

Casey nodded thankfully, wincing slightly as a car slammed on its breaks outside, the resulting noise only making her headache worse. "Yeah, that'd be great, thanks... sorry. I really thought that I'd be able to stay awake for longer... oh, my head," she mumbled, too quietly for the detective to hear. God damn concussion.

Casey heard Olivia talking to the waiter but kept her eyes closed, trying to will her head to stop hurting. She felt Olivia squeeze her shoulder gently and murmur to her, "Couple more minutes, Case."

Once they had gotten back to Casey's apartment, the ADA felt much better- she had slept in the car ride over, which had gotten rid of her headache. Yes, her ribs and hip hurt, but oh, god, when her head start hurting...

"So, how was it?" Olivia asked as they walked towards the elevator.

Casey shrugged as she looked back at Olivia and smiled slightly. "Well... some parts, I wasn't expecting, but, all in all, better than I thought it would be." The detective was asking how going out in public had been, and, truthfully, it hadn't been that bad. At Olivia's questioning look, she continued with, "I thought that it'd be weird be around people. That'd I be nervous or... frightened. But I wasn't. Instead, I was just... well, nervous, but for a different reason then I thought I would be." She sighed, trying to find a way to explain- she wasn't used to sharing her feelings like this. Finally, Casey said, "I know this is going to sound narcissistic; that everything revolves around my life, but I kept wondering, does this person know what happened, does that person? I know it's ridiculous to even think that; but I still kept thinking that they all knew what happened."

"It's okay, Case," Olivia promised. "A lot of my victims have said the same thing- that they worry people know what happened to them, people they don't even know. It's normal."

"But I'm not a victim, Olivia." They both walked out of the elevator and turned towards Casey's apartment, where a tall man in a business suit with graying hair was just turning to leave. Casey stopped walking, her eyes widening in surprise. Olivia looked in between the two of them uncertainly, prepared to intervene with necessary before Casey asked, "Dad?"


	5. Chapter 5

Wow! Thanks to Holly version 2.0, waterlooroad-jessica, and TheTruthIsInsideOfReview (X4) for reviewing. You guys all reviewed so I feel kind of bad about giving you this chapter that I'm really not sure about at all, but hey, I'm busy as hell and it had to be done.

I'm not sure how much I'll be able to update between now and new week- both me and my cousin are having a Zelda marathon in preparation for Skyward Sword, plus we have very important auditions on Saturday. But after Sunday, I'll be back on track, and I'll try to keep updating until then anyways, but I might not be able to.

**Chapter 5**

"What are you doing here?" Casey asked in confusion as she walked past her father, pulling out her keys. She started to unlock the door as she continued, "Last time I talked to you, you were still enjoying your retirement in Massachusetts. Why are you-"

"Because I was reading the New York Times online and read a story about an assault on an unnamed ADA. A little more digging and your name came up." Casey swallowed uncomfortably and looked down at her feet, heading into her apartment.

"You still read that paper online?" she asked quietly without looking at him. "Even after Bri and I made fun of you for-"

"For looking out for my little girl? Yeah, I still read it, to make sure my family's okay... what happened, Casey?"

The ADA kept her head down as she limped away from her father, trying to hide her cane out of shame. "Nothing, really. Everything's fine. Just a psycho from one of my cases."

Her father put a hand on her shoulder and said gently, "Casey, turn around."

Casey hesitated, then slowly turned around to face him. He flinched back when he got a good look at his daughter for the first time- all those vivid bruises, that cut on her lip, the horrible swelling, the stitches, her cane- all on his only daughter. "Oh, Casey," he sighed, brushing the hair out of her face and making her feel like a child. "Who did this?"

"It's was the brother of one of my victims," she said slowly, struggling not to meet his gaze now. She didn't like the pity in his eyes, so she kept her gaze glued on the floor.

"What happened to him?" he asked softly, his voice low with fury. "Is he in jail?"

She nodded. "Yes. The detective I told you, Elliot Stabler, caught him. I'm fine; I'm okay."

Her father watched her closely and put his hand back on her shoulder as he said, "Casey... Casey, I'm so sorry... look, take a leave of absence and come down to stay with me, all right? I don't want you alone right now."

Casey shook her head and pulled away from him, gesturing towards the detective. "I'm not alone, Dad. Olivia's staying with me; I'm okay."

"Please, Casey- your brother's wedding is in two months, why don't you just come home now? Your brother would be happy to see you, and none of us want you to keep living here in this dangerous city, all alone. Please? Please, Casey?"

Olivia decided to intercede then; she walked forward and said softly, "Mr. Novak, I think Casey would rather stay in NYC, for the time being. I'm taking good care of her and she'll be okay."

Feeling more and more like a two year old every second, Casey said, "Liv, I don't think that-"

"Detective," her father said, turning to face Olivia. "My-"

"Dad!" Casey exclaimed. "Dad, please. I'm okay here. If I go home now, then I'll just distract you from taking care of Bri and Carol's kid, and my vics at work, they'll all be forced to work with temps and-"

"Casey, what about you?" her father interrupted. "Take care of yourself for a change! Jesus... you were always like this as a child," he murmured as Olivia backed away into another room, giving the family time to talk. "Like your mother when it came to small problems, but if something was actually, really wrong, you're like me, and say it's nothing."

Casey smiled slightly, then turned and limped away, sitting on the arm of her couch. "Oh, Daddy..." There it was again; Casey hadn't called her father 'Daddy' on a regular basis since she was six. Now she only called him that when something was really, really bad. He always possessed the ability to make her feel like a young child and, sometimes, made things better.

But things weren't getting better this time. Everything still hurt, and her father being here made it even harder for her to deny that something was wrong.

"Casey," he said gently, reaching over to tip her chin up with two fingers so he could meet her gaze. "Casey, how badly are you injured?" He placed his hand on top of hers that was grasping the cane, so she couldn't go anywhere, and refused to let her look away until she answered. "Casey."

She sighed, biting her lip before saying, "Um... concussion, couple broken ribs, a dislocated hip, few stitches. Nothing too serious."

His eyes went dark with anger before he let her go and he moved back a couple paces. "Casey, why didn't you call me? I could of gotten a babysitter for your niece and would of come up right away."

"I know," she sighed. "I know, that's one of the reasons I didn't call you. But Dad, it's not a big deal. It really isn't... I was only in the hospital overnight, and if you saw the things I did everyday, you would know that what happened to me really isn't that uncommon. It happens to a lot of people."

"Yes, but none of them are my daughter."

"Dad... look, I'm okay. I promise." She looked up at him with pleading eyes and said quietly, "Please, you know that I love to see you, but Dad, can you go home to Massachusetts? I'll come home soon to see you and Mom at Brian's wedding, but right now, I just want to be left alone."

"So why does your detective friend get to stay with you?" he asked her, and Casey smiled slightly.

"Oh, do I detect a hint of jealousy? Think I love my best friend more than you?" They both laughed, and the ADA shook her head before smiling and explaining, "Liv's here because she offered, and I'm letting her because the poor girl never gets a vacation, so staying with me now is probably the best she's going to get. But I'm not going to call you away from Mom and my niece; you guys need to stay in Massachusetts. Help my brother and his fiancée prepare for the wedding."

Her father sighed, shaking his head and crossing his arms. "Sweetheart, there's no reason you shouldn't come home. Take a few months off that unsafe, hellish job of yours, spend some time with your family. We hardly see you anymore, and now seems like the perfect time for you to come home."

Casey smiled at him and said, "Dad, I promise, I'm okay. I'm with Detective Benson; you know the stories I told you about her. I'll be fine. You and Mom take care of my niece for me, and I'll come down for the wedding and then you'll see, everything will be all right." When her father sighed uncertainly, she pushed further, saying, "Come on, how many of your soldiers in the war were hurt so much worse than I am now? I bet you never told any of them to go home to their parents, did you?"

"Casey, you know the situation's not the same. Not even close. And no matter how many times I see you on TV as the bigshot lawyer prosecuting the dangerous rapist, you're still always be my little girl. And here you are, in this dangerous city, on this dangerous job- it was only a matter of time until something happened."

"Dad-"

"Case, I know I can't convince you to come home now. But if you change your mind, your Mom and I would always be happy to see you."

Casey blinked in surprise. "R-really?" she stammered after a moment. "Wow, that actually worked. I thought nothing could convince you to-"

"You didn't convince me, Casey. But you're twenty-nine, and I can't threaten to ground you if you don't come home. Just... promise to stay safe, all right?"

She smiled up at him widely and nodded. "Yeah. I promise. Just like I did when I was hired at the DA's office, and then, when I was transferred to sex crimes. Same thing you've always made me promise whenever I leave home."

"Well, you never seem to be able to keep that promise. You got mugged walking home from your job during college-"

"It's New York, Dad, not too big a surprise. And he only hit me once; not a-"

"And then, during college and when you were first hired the DA's office, that whole thing with your boyfriend Char-"

"Okay, Dad!" Casey exclaimed in a panic, painfully aware that Olivia was probably listening from the other room- she had never told the detective about her fiancé. Hell, she had never told anyone about that- Olivia certainly didn't need to hear about that from her father. "That's enough. I know that you're worried about me... that you're all worried about me. But this is my job, and it may be a little dangerous, but it's nothing compared to what you did in the army, and what Bri will be doing once he graduates from the police academy. Right now, Mom and my niece need you home with them, and I need to try and get back to work. My victims need me, Dad. And when you see me for Brian's wedding in two months, you'll see that I'm okay. I promise I will be."

Her father looked her over for a moment, then, satisfied with whatever he saw, said, "All right. I'll go home, I'll go, I can see that you want to be alone right now. Your mother is still down there, and Brian couldn't get out of the police academy to drive up and see you, but they both send their love and say their gonna call you soon. I'll see you in two months, Casey."

"Thanks, Dad," she said in relief, limping towards the door, leading him out. "Tell Mom and Brian I love them and I'll see them soon, okay?" He nodded and kissed her cheek before stepping out into the hallway.

"I will. Call us tomorrow, okay?" Casey nodded and smiled at him before shutting the door.

Olivia appeared out of the kitchen when she heard the door close, smiling slightly and nodding at Casey. "Hey. How'd it go?"

Shrugging, Casey finally made her way over to the couch and sat down, groaning slightly in pain. "Well, you know how fathers are- oh, I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so sorry. Guess I probably shouldn't bring Daddy issues up with you- I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay, Casey," she said softly. "No need to apologize. So, what'd he say?"

Casey hesitated, observing Olivia for a second to make sure it really was okay to talk to the detective about her father before saying, "Well, he was worried about me. Wanted me to come home early for my brother's wedding so he and Mom could look after me."

"I take it you gave him hell until he allowed you to stay back here?"

Casey chuckled and shook her head. "Actually, no. I can argue with anybody but my Dad; with him, it's impossible. But he doesn't need to be here right now; I'm fine. I'll be back at work in a couple days and this whole mess will all be over."

Olivia grimaced, then decided to allow Casey's fake promises that everything was okay to be discussed later, and said, "Hey, if you don't mind telling me, I heard you talking about your brother's wedding and his kid...?"

Laughing, Casey nodded proudly. "Yeah, that's right. You see, Brian, my brother, used to be a real player. He's nine years younger than me so, I was just starting at the DA's office when he just started dating- never got the chance to kick his ass for it. But, he had a hell of a birthday present the day he turned twenty- a combination of a broken condom and his girlfriend running out of birth control meant she got pregnant. Dad told him if he didn't stay with the girl, he'd kick him out of the house, and Brian straightened up. He stayed with the girl- name's Linda- and applied to the police academy. Proposed his twenty first birthday, and now, it's a year later- they're getting married, and Linda's living with my parents until Bri graduates. My niece is now a year and a few months old and my parents say she's easier to take care of than me and my brother put together."

Olivia chuckled and shook her head at Casey's stories. "See, it's strange, twisted tales like that that make me glad I didn't know grow up with my brother- then there are times I wish I had known him earlier in life, instead of missing out on so many years with him."

"Yeah, how is Simon?" Casey asked her. "I haven't heard you talk about him in a while."

The detective shrugged and grinned. "Well, he's doing pretty good. He's been telling me about this really nice girl he's been seeing, so that's taking up a lot of his time nowadays. And-" Olivia was interrupted by Casey covering a small yawn with her hand. She chuckled, then said, "Case, you seem pretty tired. Why don't you get some sleep?"

Casey shook her head and tried to protest. "Olivia, it's not that late. Only a bit past noon!"

"Yeah, but you've been through a lot today, and the doctor ordered lots of rest. And I can tell by the look on your face that you've got a headache- you know sleep's good for those. Come on, Casey. Get some rest, and then you can call your family down in Massachusetts, all right? And, you know, the more sleep you get, the faster you'll heal, which means the faster you'll get back to work, which I know you'll be glad about."

Sighing sadly, Casey finally conceded she was right and got unsteadily to her feet, glaring at the cane. "Damn it," she muttered under her breath. When Olivia gave her a questioning glance, Casey forced a smile and shook her head like it was nothing. _I__ hate __this __cane.__ I__ hate __it. __But__ my__ hip__ hurts__ so__ much__ without __it..._

Casey limped towards the pills on her nightstand and took two of them before sitting down on her bed and turning on the TV, resigned to simply wait for the painkillers to take affect. She ended up turning the channel to the news, where they just had to be covering, of all things, the Duvall case.

_"Today,__ prosecutor __Tracey__ Kibre__ filed__ charges __against__ Gabriel__ Duvall,__ heir__ to __the __Duvall__ fortune. __Representing__ him __is__ defense __attorney__ Jason__ Whitaker,__ who __works __at__ the __Granger __firm.__ The __DA's __office __is__ charging__ Duvall__ with__ two__ counts__ of __rape__ and__ one__ of__ homicide,__ who__ pled__ not __guilty__ and__ was__ released__ earlier __today __on __his__ own__ recognizance."_

So this was it, then. She couldn't go in and be the prosecutor on the case that had landed her in the hospital. It had already been arraigned; the most she could get would be second chair, and even that would be unlikely. And besides, Casey wouldn't be content with second chair. She wanted to make that bastard go down for rape and murder, to interrogate him on the stand and watch his face when he was found guilty and know it was because of her. Guess she wouldn't have that chance now.

_"Duvall's__ trial __is__ set__ to__ start__ three __days __from __now.__ However,__ Mr.__Duvall's __defense __attorney__ does__ not__ appear __to __be __too__ worried,__ as__ you __will__ see __in__ the__ statement__ he __gave __to__ reporters__ outside__ the__ courthouse__ earlier __today."_The view changed to show Jason Whitaker leaving the courthouse, working his way through mobs of reporters. Casey's lip curled up in disgust as he put on the charm and started trying to twist his statement for the reporters.

_"The__ charges__ against __my__ client __are __ridiculous.__ The __prosecution's__ only__ witness__ is__ an __illegal __immigrant__ who__ stands__ a__ lot__ to__ gain __by__ lying,__ while__ I__ have__ a__ host__ of__ people__ to __call__ to my__ client's __defense.__ I'm__ sure__ this__ case __will__ be __acquitted __once__ the__ jury__ sees__ how__ circumstantial__ the__ evidence __against__ my __client__ really __is."_

Casey's hatred for the defense attorney intensified. The bastard. If she were first chair, she wouldn't let that rapist out of that courtroom unless he was in handcuffs. "Circumstantial my ass," she muttered under her breath. The newscast continued, the usual biased material they saw fit to feed to the general public.

The ADA wanted to get out of bed and go down to the courthouse; to try and stop Whitaker from pulling this nonsense. But those pills, those god damn pills. They always sent her into a dreamless sleep; Casey couldn't wait until these painkillers were no longer necessary and they would stop knocking her out.

But, for the time being...


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks to TheTruthIsInsideOfYou for reviewing

**Chapter 6**

Casey jerked awake.

It's late. Her clock says it's one in the morning. God, had she really slept for thirteen hours?

Perhaps it was just her body's way of catching up on some desperately needed sleep. Whatever it was, Casey was now wide awake and didn't want to just go back to sleep. She go slowly out of bed, realizing Olivia must have come in and turned off her TV earlier in the night, because that, as well as the lights, were off. Smiling slightly, Casey changed out of her suit and limped into the bathroom, washing off the makeup and trying not to concentrate too much on the bruises. After another uncertain glance at the figure in the mirror, that battered, broken woman she barely recognized as herself, and limped back towards her bed. Casey hid the cane between her nightstand and her bed and lay down on the cool sheets, tucking her hand under the pillow... now what?

Was she supposed to just close her eyes and go to sleep? How? Just drift off to sleep like nothing had ever happened? Somehow, she just couldn't do it. She couldn't handle doing it; what it represented- earlier, she had gone to sleep pulled by those sweet drugs that sent her into a dream world. Now, though, it was different. Now, she was supposed to try and go to sleep, for the first time since the assault, like nothing had ever happened.

She can't do it. Before she knew it, Casey was sobbing softly into the pillow, crying herself to sleep. She hadn't done that in years, but now she felt entitled to. Casey curled up into a ball and tried to stop crying and just go to god damn sleep, but she couldn't. How was she supposed to just go to sleep like this? After everything that had happened, just close her eyes and sleep like it was nothing?

After several minutes of struggling to stop crying, to no avail, Casey thought about Olivia in the other room. Olivia was so good at comforting people. Before, when she was still in the hospital, the detective had helped her calm down. Surely she deserved that now. Surely, she deserved comfort now, of all times. Casey hesitated, tears still streaming down her cheeks, then got unsteadily to her feet and made her way out into the living room. She couldn't be entirely silent, and Olivia was used to waking up at the slightest sound. The detective sat up on the ADA's pull out couch, her hair mussed and her eyes half-closed. "Casey?" she asked softly, her voice tired and stumbling through the words like she was still asleep. "What's up?"

"Um... Olivia..." she started uncertainly, trying to figure out how to say this. Maybe she should just go back to bed; stop worrying Olivia. After all, the detective had already done enough for her. "Never mind," she mumbled and turned to leave.

"Hey, Casey?" she asked worriedly. "What's wrong?" Olivia frowned when, in the darkness, she thought she saw that Casey's face was wet with tears. "Case?"

The ADA shook her head and tried to turn to go back to her bedroom, saying that it was nothing, but Olivia grasped her hand and pulled her back. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Um, 'Livia," she sniffled, wiping her cheeks. "Would you, uh, mind if... if..." she trailed off uncertainly, with no idea how to voice this question. Olivia was her friend. How the hell was she supposed to sacrifice her dignity and ask Olivia to come back to bed with her and comfort her?"

But Olivia seemed to be able to tell what she wanted, because she got off the pull-out couch and rested a hand gently on Casey's shoulder. "Hey, Case?" she said softly as she slowly began to lead the ADA back towards her bedroom. "It's all right." Casey opened her mouth to speak, but Olivia shushed her. "Shh, sweetie. You don't have to be ashamed. Just relax." She led Casey back into the bedroom and helped her sit down, pulling the blanket up and tucking around her shoulders. Casey cried harder into the pillow, burying her head in shame as Olivia lay down next to her, on top of the blanket, and starting stroking her arm softly and murmuring soothing platitudes to her. Somehow, these things comforted her in a way she couldn't express with words. Slowly, Casey's sobs stopped, though tears were still trickling down her cheeks and she was still shaking slightly. Olivia could tell she wasn't asleep and she continued to run her hands through Casey's hair, trying to comfort her.

Slowly, she started to calm down, still crying softly, but Olivia was managing to calm her. Gradually, Casey allowed Olivia's comforting phrases to lull her towards an uneasy sleep.

SVUSVUSVU

_"Hello,__Milan,"__Casey__said__pleasantly__as__Milan__Zergin__walked__into__her__office.__"Can__I__help__you?"_

_It's a hazy blur, now, things blending together, but she hears herself shout something at him. Suddenly, he's mad. Very, very mad. Casey looks up in terror to see his muscles tighten, his jaw clench, his eyes cloud in fury. He's mad. He's going to hurt her. Casey shoots upright and backs away in terror, and Zergin looks up at her and, the next second, he's on top of her, and it hurts so much. Oh, god, he's making it hurt so, so much. Everything's a blur- the only constant in the mess, is pain. _

_Somehow, her bat's in her hand, and she's hitting him with it, and even she winces when she see's the cold, harsh metal impact on his skin. But now it's in his hand. Now he's got the bat, and it hits her. He's beating her with her own bat, and it hurts so much, she cries out in agony, but he just keeps hitting her with her bat, over and over again. Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, God Almighty, please make it stop! she wants to cry, just doesn't have the air and she doesn't have the strength to talk. Stop! Stop hurting me! she wants to scream. STOP!_

_But it's hurting so much. It hurts and she can't make it stop. He's still beating her, and now she's dead. He's beat her to death and she's dead. Oh god, he killed her. He killed her, and she's dead. She's dead._

SVUSVUSVU

Olivia is woken up by Casey's frantic whimpers in her sleep. Rubbing her eyes and cursing herself for falling asleep like this, she sat up and shook Casey's shoulder gently, trying to wake her up. "Casey," she called, gripping her shoulder tighter. "Casey!"

Moaning, Casey rolled away from her touch, pushing Olivia's hand off her shoulder. "Stop it!" she gasped desperately, her eyes still closed. "Stop." This time, it was more of a plaintive whimper, and Casey cried out as Olivia continued to try and wake her.

"Calm down, Casey. Shh. It's okay. Wake up, wake up. You're okay. Wake up, honey," she called frantically, even as the ADA cried harder in her sleep and whimpered. Olivia pulled on her hand, turning the ADA over and cradling her bruised face in her hands, calling her name again. Casey tried to pull away from her, and, by her frightened expression, Olivia could tell that, in her dream, she was fighting for her life.

"Casey. Casey. Come on, Case. Wake up. Wake up, Casey!" Finally, the ADA's eyes flashed open, but her green orbs were still glassy and unfocused, and when she saw the hazy figure above her, she whimpered softly and fought harder.

"Casey, it's just Olivia. Look at me!" she gasped, letting go of Casey's wrists and backing up slightly. "It's okay, Casey, you're okay! Shh, shh. Look at me, Casey. Look at me!"

The ADA blinked several times, trying to clear the haze out of her vision. The figure on top of her stopped blurring, and she finally recognized Olivia leaning over her, trying to pull her towards reality. But she can't stop gasping, she can't pull enough air to keep calm. "Liv," she wheezed, and the fact that she can't breathe deeper only causes her to panic more. "He- help," she gasped. "Help... me..."

"Casey!" Olivia called when she realized the ADA was on the verge of a panic attack. "Casey, listen to me. Listen to me!" She pulled the ADA upright into a sitting position, guiding Casey closer to listen to her own breath rates, trying to calm herself down, too, to not give Casey even more reasons to be worried. "Everything will be okay, Casey, I promise, but I need you to breathe with me. Breathe with me, Casey. In for four, out for two. Come on, I'll count it out for you. In, one, two, three, four... and out. Come on, Casey!"

"I can't," she wheezed. "I can't breathe. Help me. Help me." Casey can't catch her breath, and she feels herself growing lightheaded and dizzy without the necessary oxygen, but Olivia's still counting it out for her, and she tries as hard as she can to breathe with the detective.

"Shh, sweetheart. You can do it. Keep it up," she said softly, caressing her shoulder gently. "You can do it." Casey tried desperately to slow her breathing down until, finally, she was calm enough to time her breathing with Olivia's successfully. "Keep it up, honey. In and out. In and out." Olivia kept speaking to her softly, trying to soothe her. Gradually, Casey's body stop shaking, and she finally managed to calm down enough to the point where her breaths were no longer audible. Her face started to fade from red to her usual pale complexion, and she collapsed against the detective, thoroughly exhausted. Olivia moved back and eased Casey down onto the her back, resting a gentle hand on her arm. "You okay?" she asked gently as Casey took another long, shallow breath.

The ADA nodded weakly. "Uh huh," she gasped after a moment. She closed her eyes and rested a hand on her stomach, now wincing slightly with each breath. "S- sorry."

"It's all right, sweetie," Olivia told her quietly. "You're okay now." Casey continued to struggle to deepen her breaths, her eyes still closed, and the detective ran her hand comfortingly down her arm. "You want to talk about it?" The ADA shook her head immediately, than sighed.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Didn't mean to... wake you... up."

Smiling at her, Olivia murmured, "It's fine, Casey. You don't need to apologize." She moved her hand to Casey's sweat covered forehead and stroked her damp hair back, avoiding touching any of the harsh bruises that had barely begun to fade.

"Sweetheart, are you all right?" she asked softly when Casey flinched in pain again. Casey gave a labored groan, than nodded. She concentrated on taking light, shallow breaths, trying to ease the harsh pain in her ribcage the labored breaths had caused earlier. "Casey..."

"I'm fine, Liv," she said shortly, wincing again. "Thank you for... for helping me... but can you please go... back to bed now?"

"Don't talk so much, Case. You're starting to wheeze again," Olivia said gently. Casey kept her eyes closed, and she sighed again as Olivia lightly traced the numerous bruises on her cheek. "Look, Case... you don't have to be embarrassed. Nearly every victim has nightmares, and panic attacks aren't-"

Casey's eyes flashed open and she glared at the detective. "I am not a victim, Olivia. I help victims. I can't be one."

Olivia sighed, then helped pull the ADA upright into a sitting position and said gently, "Casey... just because you're a prosecutor, and that you help victims... well, that doesn't mean you can't be a victim yourself. Zergin, he-"

"Olivia! Stop it!" she exclaimed, pulling away from the detective furiously. "I'm not a victim! Please stop saying that! Just because Zergin is a crazy psycho who thought I was responsible for his sister's rape- that is _not_ my fault!"

"I never said it was, Casey."

With an aggravated groan, Casey scooted back from her and leaned against the headboard, running a shaky hand through her still damp hair. "Olivia, please. I'm fine. But don't call me a victim again."

Olivia opened her mouth to try and argue the point, but then... it was three in the morning. Was this really the best time to push this conversation on her?

Maybe it could wait until morning. Yes, morning. Casey could surely be allowed one more night of sweet denial before Olivia tried to convince her she was a victim now... that this wasn't all just a horrible, horrible dream...

"Okay, Casey," she said softly and rested a hand on her thigh gently rubbing it and watching her closely. "Case... are you sure you're okay?" The ADA nodded without looking at her, still panting slightly. Olivia hesitated, then turned so she could stand up, but before she did, she asked, "Casey, it's late, I think we both should try and get some rest now. Do you think you can try and sleep?"

Casey shrugged without conviction. "I can give it a shot," she said weakly.

"Good. Do you want to try it alone, or with me here? It's perfectly fine if you want me to stay," she assured the ADA. Casey hesitated, then looked back at her and nodded slightly.

"Yeah, I want to try it alone," she said, without managing to hide the hint of anxiety in her voice. "Thank you, though."

Olivia nodded and stood up, squeezing her shoulder. "All right. I'll just head back to the pull out couch, then. But I want you to call me if you need anything at all, all right?" Casey smiled at her and nodded gratefully, a faint blush coloring her bruised cheeks. The detective patted her hand again before heading out of the bedroom, leaving the door open a crack on the way out.

Once she was gone, Casey sighed heavily and lay down again, continuing to practice taking short, shallow breaths. Her ribs hurt so much. Her headache was starting to go away, though her appointment with the doctor in three days would tell her if her concussion was actually wearing off or not.

She couldn't believe she'd had a panic attack. And, of all people, Olivia had to witness it. Her best friend- a woman who she both respected and admired- had seen her break down and nearly pass out from anxiety. Had been forced to help her calm down, to breathe. How pathetic did that make her?

No matter, though. When she got back to work, this would all be over. Everything would become normal again, and she would be okay. She just had to be.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks to Holly version 2.0 and TheTruthIsInsideOfYou for reviewing.

**Chapter 7**

"Good morning," Casey said when Olivia padded sleepily into her kitchen. "Want some breakfast? I can't really cook, but I've got cereal and... more cereal..."

Olivia laughed and shook her head, grinning at her. "Nice options, but no thanks. I kind of wanted to talk to you... um, how long have you been up?" she asked quickly, trying to postpone the uncomfortable conversation that was soon to follow.

Casey shrugged and said, "Well, a couple hours." She didn't say that she had actually not managed to fall asleep after her nightmare. "Not too sure when exactly I woke up," she continued truthfully. "But what did you want to talk to me about?"

Olivia hesitated, observing the ADA uncertainly. Should she really push this on Casey now? Was it too soon for Casey to accept the fact that she was a victim? But she had to. The longer she waited, the harder it could be to break Casey's denial...

"Casey, I'm not sure how to go about saying this... well, last night, you kept trying to affirm the fact that you weren't a victim." The ADA's gaze darkened, and her hands clenched into fists as she raised her head to glare at Olivia.

"Yes. And?" she asked coldly, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

Olivia sighed. "Casey, Milan Zergin broke into your office and attacked you. Just because he didn't rape you doesn't mean that you're not a victim."

"Olivia, be quiet. Stop talking. You're wrong. You think you're right but you're wrong! How dare you say that I'm a victim! You never say that again!" she exclaimed, backing away from her, her expression growing angrier by the second. "Shut up!"

"Casey," she said gently, "He hurt you. The only difference between you and a rape victim in this case is-"

"That I wasn't raped? That I'm not a victim? Yeah, got it!" Casey was nearly shouting now, terror in her eyes at what Olivia was trying to tell her.

Olivia approached her and told her, "Just because you weren't raped; that doesn't mean that you aren't-"

"Didn't I just tell you to _never_ call me a victim! Olivia, stop it!"

The detective tried to talk to the frightened ADA again, but Casey was on the defensive and refused to let her get a sentence out. "Stop this!" she cried, backing away. "Don't do this!"

"Casey, all I'm trying to do is get you to accept what he did to you. He nearly-"

"Stop it! Stop it, Olivia!" Casey cried as she turned and tried to run as fast as she could from the apartment. For god's sakes, it hurt so much, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter how much her ribs hurt, she had to get away from these lies Olivia was screaming at her. She couldn't hear Olivia tell her she was a victim one more time.

It was just her luck that she brushed past her extraordinarily annoying neighbor, who was on his way home from the store. He, of course, overreacted and dropped all of his bags everywhere, right into poor Olivia, who was caught up in the man's wrath. Casey didn't stop running and took the stairs- it would hurt more, but would be quicker than the elevator. Besides, right now, pain was a welcome distraction from what Olivia had just tried to tell her.

Things seemed to be going well today- there was a cab right out front. Well, she felt sorry for the guy who called for the taxi; she was about to steal it out from under him. She hurried inside and gave him the address of the DA's office. Let her work and she feel like a new woman again. Let her work and she'll forget all about what Olivia tried to tell her.

"Casey!" Olivia called as she burst outside, just as the cab pulled away. "_Casey!_" It was too late. She was gone.

* * *

><p>Casey limped towards her office, grateful that today was Saturday- there was no one here to see her and bother her with the questions that she knew would be coming- are you all right, are you sure you should be back at work so soon, <em>blah<em>_, blah, __blah._.

Work was her distraction and she was eager to get back to it as soon as possible. But when she reached her office and threw open the door...

She couldn't step inside.

It looked okay. It didn't look like the terrible crime scenes that she sometimes had to see in her job. Olivia had mentioned that Elliot and the other detectives had cleaned up her office for her. There was no blood anywhere that she could see. Her files were all in neat stacks on her desk- in fact, this was the most organized her office had over been since the day she'd switched over here from White Collar. There was a new lamp on her desk, and she wondered briefly what happened to the old one before just shaking her head. Her softball bat was leaning back against the wall... last she remembered, it had been in her sport's bag.

They had opened the blinds so the sun poured inside, taking over every shadow in her office. It didn't matter. She couldn't step forward into her office; she looked down on the floor and... god, just one more step and this is where she'd been hit, beaten, and left for dead. Five more inches and she'd be standing in the spot where Zergin had nearly killed her.

She stared at the spot, trembling as she waited for memories to hit her, memories she didn't have.

"Casey?"

The ADA jerked, twisting around to look at Olivia, who was standing at the end of the hallway, panting slightly and gazing at her in relief. "Hey," she said quietly before looking back at her office. Olivia walked down the hallway towards her and stood next to her, resting a hand on her arm.

"You okay?" she asked softly, and Casey nodded without taking her eyes off her office.

"How'd you find me here?" Casey asked after a moment, still without looking at her.

"Followed a hunch." Olivia watched her closely, confused as to why Casey was just standing there, then realized what was wrong and sighed sadly. "Come on, Casey," she said, trailing her hand down to hold the ADA's and pull her away. When the ADA looked up at her, eyes wide, Olivia said softly, "It's okay, Case. It'll just take time, okay?"

Olivia led her down the hallway, feeling the ADA tremble slightly. Once they were around the corner and couldn't see her office anymore, Olivia asked gently, "Are you all right, Case?"

Her voice pulled her towards reality, and Casey blinked and nodded slowly, like she was in a fog. "Y- yeah," she stammered weakly after a moment. "I'm all right."

The detective led her towards the vending machine and helped her sit down on the bench beside it, still holding her hand. "Casey," she said quietly, "tell me what happened."

"I... I don't even know." Casey sighed and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. "I wanted to work, so I came here. And I got here... saw my office... I couldn't go inside. I don't know why. I just looked inside and couldn't take another step..."

Olivia smiled at her and rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. "It's okay, Casey. It will just take time, I promise."

Casey closed her eyes and leaned back, grimacing. "It shouldn't take time. I'm supposed to be fine." Olivia decided that pushing their conversation from earlier right now was a very bad idea, seeing how badly it had turned out before, so she just sat with her in silence instead. "I'm sorry," Casey said after a moment, sitting up straighter and turning to gaze in the direction of her office. Her eyes darkened and the blood drained from her face, and it took Olivia calling her name several times to pull her back to reality. The ADA blinked, then quickly turned to look the other way, focusing on that ugly painting on the wall that she had always hated. She could stare at the hideous depiction of some sort of weird, deformed creature so her gaze wouldn't be drawn towards her office again.

"Case, do you want me to take you home?" Olivia asked quietly, examining her expression carefully. The ADA nodded weakly without looking at her, and Olivia stood up and offered her her hand. Casey allowed herself to be pulled upright, and Olivia led her around the corner, this time, taking the long way so they wouldn't pass by the ADA's office. It wasn't until they had gotten on the elevator and were down a floor before Casey relaxed, though. She turned to look at Olivia and actually met her eyes for the first time.

"Sorry for dragging you out here," she said apologetically with a tiny grin.

Olivia shrugged and shook her head. "It's not a problem, Case. Let's just get you home."

The ride home was quiet, Casey too embarrassed to say anything and Olivia not sure how to break the silence. To end the awkward moment- well, at least for her- Casey pulled out her cell phone and decided to go ahead and call her family, as she had promised she would do.

To her great relief, it went to voicemail. "Mom, it's Casey," she said quietly. "I know you said to call you today, so... now, I'm calling you. I'm fine; you don't have to worry- tell that to my brother, too.. And anybody else who's worrying. I promise, I'm fine. And I'll see you guys at Brian's wedding. But I want you to know that I'm fine and I love you guys. I'll talk with you later. Bye..."

After she hung up, Olivia glanced over at her and hesitated like she was going to say something else before changing her mind at the last minute. "So, do you want to just head home?"

Casey nodded and smiled slightly at the notion of taking another shower. After making that pathetic scene in front of her office, she felt even worse than before and wanted to get clean. It'd feel wonderful to get clean again, it really would.

Casey was going to just remain silent when she realized Olivia was waiting for an answer. "Yeah," she murmured. "Yeah, that'd be good."

* * *

><p>Once again, it took her over five minutes to get undressed, pausing every time she found a new bruise. Only the urge to get clean again kept her from giving up and just going to find something edible in her kitchen, if such a thing existed.<p>

Casey continued slowly pulling off her clothes until she could finally limp into the shower. Her bruises had begun to heal, so she could handle hotter water than before. Hot equaled more clean. A smile spread across her face when she felt the hot water rain down on her broken skin... it felt so much better, now that she was clean.

But she wasn't, was she? No matter how long she stood under this burning hot water, it wasn't going to wash off the bruises, where Zergin had hit her. She couldn't get rid of the feeling of how dirty she was. Tears burned in the back of her eyes as she struggled to convince herself that this was all normal. That nothing was wrong.

After Casey had finally decided to give it up and turn off the after, she heard Olivia knock on the door and ask, "Hey, Case, I'm ordering takeout. What do you want?"

"Um, anything fine's. Italian, Chinese... whatever."

"Okay. Let me go call for the food." After the detective was gone, Casey continued to get dressed, then focused on her reflection in the mirror. The bruises weren't quite as bad as yesterday. Maybe, after one more day spent lying on her ass, doing absolutely nothing at all, she would look good enough to show her face at the office again.

Her mind was changed, however, when she limped out towards the sound of the delivery guy with the food after struggling to get dressed for nearly ten minutes. She left her cane in her bedroom; she hated using it and she was just walking a few feet. Not a problem.

The delivery guy was handing food over to Olivia when he caught sight of Casey, holding the back of the couch for support as she limped towards the door. "Damn, girl!" he exclaimed, looking back at Olivia in shock. "Wow! You two must have certainly had a lot of fun last night! Nice job, though, hooking such a-"

"Thank you and goodbye," Olivia said coldly, handing him a twenty before slamming the door in his face, then turning around to smile apologetically at Casey. "Case, I'm so sorry about that. Jackass is in college; thinks two women equal lesbian relationship, and one bruise equals rough sex."

Casey sighed, wiping off whatever the hell was on her face. "Well, I think I've got more than just one bruise, Liv," she said uncomfortably. She moved closer to the takeout and smiled slightly when she smelled the Chinese. Wait... Chinese...

_Blood.__ She__ can__ smell__ blood.__ It's __her __own __blood,__ but...__ that's__ not__ all__ she __can __smell.__ Chinese.__ Chinese __food __and__ her __own __blood.__ And__ now __she's__ passing __out...__ she's__ falling __asleep __and__ she's__ not __gonna __wake __up__…_

"Casey!" Olivia called again, watching her in concern. "Casey? Can you hear me?"

The ADA jerked out of her reverie, looking up in what Olivia thought was fear. Olivia didn't say anything, just rested a hand on her arm and waited uncertainly for her to say something. Casey finally stammered, "I'm okay. I promise. I just... I just think I remembered something. No big deal."

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise, and she leaned forward urgently and asked, "You remembered something?"

Casey sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I think I remember passing out. But that's it. I just remember smelling Chinese food, of all things, and..." she trailed off uncomfortably, not really interested in saying that she had smelled her own blood.

"That's right. We had Chinese takeout in your office," Olivia said gently, still watching her worriedly. Casey didn't like the look in her eyes... it was almost... expectant. But there were no more memories coming. She still couldn't remember anything, and this one memory was worth nothing to her. It was nothing.

"Olivia, I'm sorry, that's all I remember," she said dejectedly, sitting down on the arm of the couch and closing her eyes, running a hand through her hair. "Come on. Let's just eat." She forced herself to smile and not focus on the disturbing memory.

Olivia watched as Casey walked over to where she'd set the takeout earlier and started opening containers. Sighing, the detective headed over to help her, wishing Casey would stop pretending everything was normal when it was anything but.


	8. Chapter 8

I apologize for the wait. Thanks to Holly version 2.0 and anon for reviewing.

**Chapter 8**

Olivia was sitting in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine without interest, occasionally glancing at the clock. She had driven Casey to her check up down at the hospital, and would be doing so until the doctor cleared Casey and said she could drive again. Right now, the doctor was on the fence about it, because of her concussion. She sighed, staring at the clock again. Casey had been in there for a little over ten minutes. It would probably be at least half an hour or more before the ADA came out.

"So you see this here?" the doctor said, pointing at one her ribs on the X-Ray. "This was the break we were the most concerned about a week ago; we had to stabilize your chest are or it could have caused internal bleeding. It's started to heal now, but you're still going to need to keep wearing the bandages into your next check-up."

Casey nodded unenthusiastically as the doctor directed her to lie down on the exam table. "I need to look at your stitches," he explained. "Some can probably be removed."

"So I don't have to use the cane anymore?" she asked hopefully, but the doctor just shrugged.

"Maybe. I'll know for certain after I know which ones can be removed." Casey grimaced and raised her arms above her head as the doctor lifted up her shirt slightly and began examining the stitches. She winced, focusing on the glaring white lights on the ceiling as the doctor continued talking to her. Shivering from the cold of the exam table, Casey held her breath as she waited for him to allow him to allow her to sit up. Finally, he said, "Okay, I'm going to remove these here. Lay still; this may be a bit uncomfortable."

Grimacing, Casey battled the rising nausea from the slight tugging sensation as the doctor worked on the side of her chest. When he finally said she could sit up, she did so, looking down at the where the stitches had been. "It will leave a scar," the doctor said, knowing what she was thinking. "After some time has passed, they won't be as noticeable. Now, for your concussion. Last week, your score on the GCS was six. Because you had a Grade III concussion, your score won't improve too quickly. You may be suffering from headaches and other side affects from your concussion for another month. I'm taking you to get a CT scan, because, last week, yours was slightly abnormal."

She nodded, sliding off the table and automatically reaching for the cane. The doctor smiled at her and said, "You don't have to use the cane anymore. I just removed the stitches that I was most worried about last week." Grinning widely, Casey began walking after the doctor. So far, this had been a pretty good check-up. But she just had one question...

"Um, doctor. Last week, I couldn't remember anything about what had happened. Is that going to be permanent, or will the memories return gradually, or...?"

"Well, that depends on a variety of factors. I'll be able to tell you more after the CT. Have you remembered anything this past week?" he asked nonchalantly. Casey struggled to retain the same air of normality as she shook her head, and the doctor's answering nod really didn't tell her much.

Half an hour later, after another round of tests and exams by the unhelpful doctor, Casey was, yet again, sitting on the exam table, this time wearing her own clothes, as the doctor started explaining more about her injuries. Casey allowed herself to zone out until he finally arrived at the one subject she was interested in- her memory. "Nothing's for certain, Ms. Novak, but, I think the memory loss is permanent. Based off your most recent test results and..." _Blah__ blah __blah._ Doesn't matter. Nothing this doctor says matters anymore, except for the fact that she can't remember what happened.

She set the date for her next appointment on autopilot, still focusing on his extraordinarily depressing comments on how she would never be able to remember Zergin hitting her, leaving her broken, lifeless body behind to die...

Casey finally managed to escape from the doctor's office before he gave her any more bad news. She walked out into the waiting room, almost forgetting entirely about Olivia as she stumbled towards the exit. "Case?" The detective asked worriedly. "What's wrong?"

The ADA blinked, looking at her with a confused expression. After a moment, she managed to control her expression and she said flatly, "Nothing's wrong. Why would you think that something's wrong?"

Olivia frowned, looking Casey over carefully. She seemed okay, if a little unfocused- but in the middle of a waiting room wasn't really the best place to have any kind of deep conversation. "Come on, Casey," she said quietly, leading her outside and deciding to start with the easy questions first. "So, I see you don't have to use a cane anymore?"

Casey nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah. Yeah, the doctor removed some of my stitches. I can walk fine now."

"So... that's good, right?"

The ADA nodded, still without looking at her. She stumbled outside, instinctively shivering from the cold wind blowing down the street. Wrapping her arms tighter around herself, Casey made her way to Olivia's rental, sighing unhappily. Riding her bike was really so much quicker in Manhattan traffic. But her doctor hadn't cleared her for that yet- she wasn't even allowed to drive yet, because of her concussion.

Her doctor. The bastard who'd told her she could never remember what happened that night in her office.

Olivia continued to ask her questions, trying to find out what was wrong with her, and Casey provided short answers in an expressionless voice every time. Finally, the detective just asked, "Casey, what's the matter?"

Unable to think of anything but the truth, Casey decided to just come out and tell her. "I asked my doctor if the memory loss was permanent. He said that I could have some flashbacks and remember a few things, but that it's... it's... permanent. That I can't remember what happened."

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise. Oh, no... She remembered how upset Casey had been in the hospital when the ADA had realized she couldn't remember her assault- Olivia didn't blame her. Hearing the news that she would never be able to remember what happened to her must be terrible.

Her mind drifted back to Casey's nightmare several days ago. She'd had one every night since then, and while Olivia had tried to comfort her and get her to talk about them- but all the ADA had done was apologize for not being able to remember. How would Casey react now that she knew it was impossible for her to remember? The nightmares were going to get worse, no doubt about that. It would probably be harder for her to manage to return to the scene of the crime- this was terrible.

She looked back at Casey to see the ADA staring out the window and tried to comfort her, though she had no idea what to say. "Casey... hey, it's okay. You don't have to remember."

Casey chuckled humorously. "Yeah, that's what you said in the hospital. But you also said that I would remember... that it would just take time."

"I'm sorry, Casey- I actually did think that-"

"No... no, that's not what I'm saying." The ADA sighed, closing her eyes and trying to find the right way to explain. "I just thought that... well, it never crossed my mind that the memory loss was going to be permanent. And now that it is, I don't know what to do." Casey hesitated, then glanced up at her and asked nervously, "Liv, have you ever had amnesia like this?"

Olivia shook her head slowly. "No... well, in a sense. I was in a car crash, in college- still can't remember he hour before the accident. But it's not like your situation."

Casey sighed unhappily and ran a hand through her hair. After a moment, she forced a smile and raised her gaze to the detective again. "Sorry. I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. Everything will be back to normal once I go back to work- and my doctor cleared me for that; he said I can go back on Monday."

"Hey, that's good. Then we can start putting the rapists in prison again."

"As opposed to whatever you're doing now...?"

They both chuckled as Olivia parked the car near Casey's apartment building, then glanced at her watch and said, "Hey, you want to get some food? I didn't realize but your doctor's appointment ran a little long."

"Sure," Casey said with a shrug. "There's a cheap place across the street- it's not half bad, and there's a guy there who's practically in love with me. Once he finds out I have a good-looking friend like you, if I asked him for a condo in Hawaii he wouldn't be able to say no."

* * *

><p>"You were right, Casey," Olivia chuckled as she followed the ADA into her apartment. "The man's in love with you. He giggled every time he said your name."<p>

Casey laughed. "I know. At first, it was borderline creepy, but as it's never gotten past him worshiping me like a god as long as I'm in the restaurant, I just enjoy it. He's better than Jason Whitaker."

Olivia nodded in agreement and grinned at the thought of Casey dating the defense attorney. The two walked inside and Casey slipped out of her coat, tossing it in the general direction of her couch. The detective smiled again, shaking her head. "One would think a lawyer would be a little more organized."

Casey rolled her eyes and grinned at her. "Hi, I'm Casey, I don't believe we've met, have you ever seen the state of my desk?"

The two laughed again, but the mention of her desk brought Casey to another thing she was rather worried about. Sitting on the arm of her couch, she fiddled with her sleeve as she mumbled, "Liv... do you think I can get a new office? I really... I really don't think I can go back to my old one."

Olivia hesitated, looking over the ADA worriedly. While it was true that it would be best for Casey if she didn't have to return to her office, it would be both better and more practical for her to try and conquer that fear. "Well, Casey, probably, but are you sure that's what you want? Think about it, now. What if, say, Tracey moved into your old office, and you had to discuss a case with her. Would you really be able to go into your old office and try and remain calm? And besides, I know you don't believe me now, but it won't be as hard as you think be relatively calm in your office again."

"How do you even know?" Casey sighed sadly. "I just asked you and you said you'd never been through something like this!"

"Yes, but I've talked to dozens of victims who have. The ones who I've talked to several weeks after their attacks often say that they've already managed to return the crime scene, if it was a location like their apartment, or an office, like your attack was. Yeah, it takes work, but I think it's worth it."

Casey sighed, rubbing her temples and running a hand through her hair. "It shouldn't take work," she said definitively. "I'm supposed to be fine. The people you're talking about are rape victims. But Zergin didn't rape me. He only smacked me around a few times; equating that to rape is wrong."

Olivia just smiled softly down at her and rubbed her shoulder. "How about this, Casey. Tomorrow is Saturday. If we go in early enough, chances are, we'll be alone. You can try and go to your office then. If you still think it's too much, then you can talk to Branch about getting a new office."

The ADA nodded, though she remained unconvinced. All she seemed to be able to think about was the first and only time she had seen her office since the attack. How it had been literally impossible for her to step inside...


	9. Chapter 9

Once again, I apologize for the wait. Thanks to TheTruthIsInsideOfYou (X2) for reviewing.

**Chapter 9**

"This isn't going to work, Olivia," Casey said firmly as the detective led her down the hall to her office.

"Well, it won't if you keep thinking that."

Casey just sighed. She was already convinced that she would never be able to set foot in her office again, and she was perfectly fine with that. Her share of nightmares this past week could all be attributed to her fear of being forced to enter her office again. Once she knew she wouldn't have to try and conquer that unconquerable fear, the nightmares would stop.

Olivia led her slowly down to her office through the deserted hallway, keeping a gentle grip on her hand. When they reached her office, Olivia opened the door and moved to stand behind her, watching carefully as Casey stared inside fearfully.

She can't handle it. She can't handle taking one more step inside and standing in the spot where she was nearly killed. Just looking in there nearly gives her a panic attack. She took an uneasy step back, Olivia's steadying hand on her back the only thing keeping her from turning around and giving up this impossible plan.

"Just focus, Casey," she said quietly. "I'm right here. Nothing bad is going to happen."

"This i-isn't going t-to work," she forced out, trying to stop shaking. "Don't make me do this."

"Focus, Casey," Olivia repeated. "Try and take a step forward, if you think you can."

Casey hadn't even been in her office for a week. Last time she'd actually entered her office, she'd just walked in and sat down and keep talking with Olivia. Now, though... Casey bit her lip, slowly trying to take a step forward. When she tried to back away, Olivia stopped her, resting a hand on her shoulder and stopping her from leaving. "Come on, Casey. You can do this."

The ADA hesitantly tried to move forward again. She planted one foot inside her office, blinking when she felt a peculiar burning sensation start in her foot. The uncomfortable fire nearly caused a panic attack, and she jumped back immediately, both in surprise and fear.

No. She wasn't about to let this conquer her; she'd have to make it inside. Casey took a deep breath before taking another step forward, and the burning started up again. She took another step forward, Olivia's hand supporting her the entire way. She managed another step before the fear overcame her and she jumped back, startling Olivia and nearly making her fall over. "S- sorry," she forced out through chattering teeth.

Olivia rubbed her shoulder and said quietly, "That's good. Good job, Casey. That's enough for today."

Sighing in exhaustion, Casey backed up against the wall and closed her eyes. "What are you talking about?" she mumbled. "I barely did anything. I just took a couple steps before I backed out. How pathetic does that make me?"

"Well, you were strong enough to come down here. To at least try. Doesn't sound pathetic to me."

Casey just shook her head. "I'm never going to be able to do this. It's impossible."

"Hey, you made it farther than you thought you would. Earlier today, you said you would never be able to make it inside."

Sighing, the ADA opened her eyes and allowed Olivia to take her hand and lead her away from her office. "What am I supposed to do?" she asked miserably. "I go back to work on Monday! I'll never be able to do this before then."

"It's still early, Casey. We can come back later today, so you can try to go inside again. Then there's tomorrow- don't give up now."

Sighing, the ADA stumbled down the hallway, unable not to think about how pathetic and weak she had just been. And her best friend had witnessed her making a big deal out of just walking into her god damn office- how stupid was she?

"Sweetie, it's fine," Olivia assured her. "You know what my job is. I work with people who have the same fears as you and who've gone through similar things all the time."

"But the people you're talking about were raped. I wasn't; I'm fine... well, I can't say that I didn't really expect this to be a problem. But I'm still not sure I'll be able to do this, Olivia."

The detective gave her a tiny smile and squeezed her hand. "It's okay. Just give it time."

* * *

><p>The pair went back to Casey's office three times that day. Each occasion, the ADA managed to go a few steps farther before she panicked and backed out. She remained convinced that it would be impossible for her to ever be comfortable in her office, while Olivia said that she should take it slow and remain optimistic. Thoroughly exhausted and worn out by her hell of a day, Casey went to sleep a little earlier than she usually would. She was catching a lot more sleep than usual, actually- part of it was due to the fact that she didn't have to work, but also because the pain medication turned her into a sleepy girl. Olivia, who wasn't as tired as Casey, watched TV out in the living room, keeping it a low volume.<p>

When the detective thought she heard a soft voice from the other room, she considering getting up, but she didn't hear anything else and decided that if Casey needed her, then she would of called her. But then she heard the sound of something clattering to the floor, Olivia decided to go check on her.

"Case?" she said softly as she poked her head inside the bedroom. "You okay?"

She was greeted with the sight of the ADA sprawled across her bed, one hand flung over the side, small tremors shaking through her body. Olivia winced in sympathy and hurried to her side, picking up the pill bottle Casey must have knocked to the floor during her nightmare and setting it down on the nightstand. "Casey," she called, trying to wake her up. "Come on, sweetie. It's okay. You're safe; you're okay."

Casey rolled away from her touch and moaned in protest as Olivia sat down next to her, gently resting a hand on her shoulder. "Shush," she murmured. "Shh. You're okay. You're fine. Wake up." Casey's eyes flashed open and she looked around in a panic, struggling to get away from Olivia in terror.

"Get away from me," she gasped, pushing the detective's hand off her. Olivia immediately let go of her and backed up a few steps, trying to calm her down.

"Casey, Casey, look at me. Please, look at me! You're okay!"

The ADA finally managed to focus on her, her green eyes wide and filled with tears, fighting an anxiety attack. "Casey," Olivia gasped, grasping her hand tightly and trying to catch her eye. "Calm down. You're okay. You're all right, Casey, you're safe now; I won't let anyone hurt you. I've got you."

Taking in a shaky breath and struggling to remain calm, Casey focused on Olivia, trembling violently. "Sweetheart, I need you to breathe. Come on, Casey. Come on..."

The only reason Casey managed to maintain any dignity that night was the fact that she didn't have another panic attack. She came close, but Olivia's soothing presence helped her calm down. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she finally managed to wheeze, falling onto her back and closing her eyes. "I'm okay now."

Olivia sighed, relieved, and rested a hand on her arm and lay down on her side, watching as the ADA slowly got her breath back and calmed down. When it seemed that Casey was as close to okay as could be expected, Olivia asked gently, "You want to talk about it, Casey?"

The ADA immediately shook her head. "No, no. I'm fine. I'm okay."

Olivia grimaced and looked away. Every time this week Casey had had a nightmare, Olivia would wake her up, calm her down, and ask her if she wanted to talk about it. And, every single time, her response would be a quick no, without any room for debate. "Casey... I'm trying to respect your decisions here, I really am, but I think you should try and talk to me about it. And if you don't want to talk to me, I understand, but then could you talk to George or someone else?"

The conversation took a turn for the worse as Casey's eyes flashed open, her glare cold and unyielding as she snapped, "George Huang? As in a psychiatrist?" When Olivia shrugged, Casey sat upright, her hands clenched into fists, and she snapped, "I'm not crazy. _Everyone_ has nightmares."

"I'm not saying that you're crazy, Case," Olivia said slowly, propping herself up on her elbows and watching her warily. "Yes, everyone has nightmares. But you're not going to stop having yours until you deal with the problem behind everything... your-"

"Don't even say it," Casey growled. "Don't. Even. Say. It."

Olivia blinked in surprise, sitting upright and thinking that perhaps she had touched on the heart of the problem. "Say what, Casey?"

The ADA's fists started to shake with anger and she pulled back from Olivia, shaking her head. "What you were going to say! You know what you were going to say! Don't you dare say it!"

"Why not?" Olivia asked, getting to her feet as Casey jumped back, still trembling. "Why not? Can't you take it? Can't you take hearing me say it?"

"Olivia, I'm not kidding! Don't do this!"

The detective advanced on her, trying to force Casey to admit what had happened. "Don't do what? I'm not hurting you, am I? I'm not lying to you. I'm just trying to say what happened, and, for some reason, you can't handle that." Olivia knew she was being intentionally harsh and she hated what she was doing to Casey right now, but if she could get her to at least accept the fact that she had been attacked, that would be one step closer to helping Casey.

"Olivia!" Casey cried. "Stop! Shut up; don't say it!"

"You were attac-"

"I told you to shut up!"

"You were attacked, Casey. You can't deal with me saying it aloud? Why not? You want to pretend it didn't happen?"

Casey screamed for her to be quiet again, tears started to burn in the back of her eyes. Olivia took a step further, and Casey backed up, almost as if she was afraid of her. When Olivia stated again, though, Casey turned and fled from the room. Olivia tried to stop her, but Casey was stronger now. Her injuries didn't hurt as much and they couldn't hold her back. She was able to keep running until Olivia decided to just let her go.

* * *

><p>Two in the morning.<p>

Two in the god damn morning.

Casey wasn't exactly sure why she was out here. Well, that wasn't entirely true. She had two options- to go to her office, or to shamefully drab herself back to her apartment. She didn't want to face that embarrassment, and going to her office- and now, while it was night... so she chose option three: an open McDonalds. She bought a cup of coffee and was sitting in the back. The place was deserted, except for a man in his early twenties sitting on the counter, working on an essay or something. But when she'd been here for an hour or so and hadn't done anything at all besides sit here, the guy stopped working on his homework and walked over to her. "Can I get you anything, ma'am?" he asked in a southern accent

She just shook her head and crossed her arms, staring at the logo on the coffee cup and refusing to look up at him. "So, what's a pretty lass like you doing out by yourself in the middle of the night?"

Casey sighed and glanced up at him. "Why does it matter to you? You work at McDonalds. I'm sure you rather focus on something else than my troubles."

He shrugged. "Hey, I'm just working here to help pay for my college."

"Then go back to the counter and go to sleep."

"Can't do that. My manager's in the back. Real hard ass."

Casey hesitated, but there was something about this kid that reminded her of herself. Perhaps it was just the fact that he was working at a restaurant to help pay for college, just like she had through law school. Whatever it was, this kind stranger was the best thing she had right now.

Sighing, she started her story, though she omitted most of the details. "Well, my friend's been staying with me recently. I just... went through some stuff, and she said that she would stay with me in case I needed anything. And then, things... got out of hand. She was trying to help me, I think. But she wasn't. She just kept telling me that I'd been assaul..." She trailed off, not wanting to say the word aloud, but the kid could fill in the blanks.

"That you were assaulted?" he asked curiously, just to confirm. She nodded.

"Yeah. I panicked. Ran off... now I'm here."

Narrowing his eyes, the kid sat down and asked, "So, what was the big problem? Your friend was just saying what happened, right?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah. That's what I don't get. I don't know why it bothered me as much as it did." _I__ also __don't__ know__ what__ I'm __doing; __talking __like__ this__ to__ a__ stranger.__ I__ don't__ share__ feelings__ like__ this__ with__ anybody._

Well, she had nothing to lose by talking to this man. Maybe that was _why_ she was talking to him- she didn't care about his opinion of her. "She kept asking me why I couldn't deal with her saying it, and I got mad. Furious. I... I wanted to just start screaming at her. To hit her, or anything to make her shut up."

"Well, I don't know much about this situation, but it seems like you don't like hearing that you were assaulted."

"Thanks, Dr. Phil," she deadpanned. "I can't imagine anybody who'd love to hear that."

They both smiled, and the kid shook his head before saying, "Well, yeah, but I mean that you can't handle hearing someone say it... god, I sound like a chick right now. But what I said still stands."

Casey grinned and leaned back against her chair, resting a hand on her stomach and unconsciously running her thumb over one of her broken ribs. Gentle enough so it didn't hurt, but hard enough that she could feel it. It was something she had taken to doing lately, and whenever something made her so mad she wanted to start screaming, she would press harder, enough that the physical pain would help her focus and, ironically, calm down. "Maybe... well, maybe you're right," she conceded. "I don't know..."

He shrugged. "Hey, as I said, I don't know much about this situation. But I think you should talk to your friend. She sounds like she's only trying to help."

"Yeah. It's not like she was trying to make me mad or anything; she's good at getting people who don't want to talk about something... talk- interrogates people a lot… Maybe I overreacted."

Smiling at her, he tapped his fingers on the table before saying, "Well, right now, it's three in the morning. Not the best time to be thinking about anything besides sleep." Casey chuckled and nodded in agreement, trying to decide if she should go on back to her apartment or just stay here.

She nodded at him, but when he stood up and started to head back to the counter, she stopped him. "Hey, um... god, I don't even know your name."

"Steve."

"Steve. All right. I'm Casey. Well, listen, would you like to go out some time? You know, maybe get a cup of coffee or go to dinner..."

Steve smiled at her and nodded. "Um, yeah. Sure!"

Casey wrote her number on a napkin and handed it to him. "Thanks. I'm probably going to stay here until it gets light out, then head on over to work."

"That early? Wow. I don't know anyone who likes working at five am."

She shrugged and nodded. "I don't. But the situation is a little strange. Well, more than a little..." _I__ just __hope__ I'll__ be __able__ to __actually __enter__ my__ office__ this__ time._

In case you're wondering why I introduced Steve all a sudden like that- well, he has a purpose. You guys will find out next chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks to TheTruthIsInsideOfYou for reviewing.

**Chapter 10**

Casey walked down the hall to her office, determined to go inside, no matter what it took. It was five thirty in the morning- no one else was here, and Olivia probably wouldn't come looking for her for at least another hour. Olivia had been so sure that she was a victim, that she needed to talk to someone about this. Going into her office so soon after the assault would be perfect proof that Olivia was wrong.

There was that same burning sensation from yesterday. That same unbearable urge to get away and never step foot in her office again. But now, she had motives that she hadn't had yesterday- to prove to everyone, especially Olivia, that she was okay.

Finally, after over half an hour of hard work, she was standing in the middle of her office, a slow, amazed smile tugging at her lips. Everything still burned and tingled, but it wasn't as bad as before. She could handle it. Was she comfortable? No. Was she happy? Definitely not. But she could do this.

After a moment of just standing there, still fighting the urge to give up and dash away, Casey collapsed against her desk, closing her eyes and shaking her head. "Damn it," she muttered under her breath. What was even the point? Yeah, she proved Olivia wrong. So? She didn't accomplish anything. She still was barely able to keep herself in control, wanting to run for safety any second right now... and she'd managed to make herself look like a complete idiot, running out in the middle of the night and trying to do this.

Shifting uncomfortably, Casey pulled herself towards her desk chair and began tracing one of her ribs again, staring blankly at the papers scattered across her desk. Olivia would be arriving soon, probably to chew her ass out. Not that Casey blamed her...

* * *

><p>Time passed slowly. Casey got back to work. Her injuries healed. Olivia eventually stopped trying to make more out of what had happened, though she still hadn't left Casey's couch. Most every night, she would wake her up from nightmares, calm her down, and eventually head back to her living room. Casey, though, thought she was perfectly fine. She was able to work in her office- though being there after hours was out of the question- and the nightmares were just an unfortunate occurrence that she never mentioned. Ever. The memories of her attack that weren't coming to her... no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember. She completely ignored the doctor's advice and fought to remember, but it never worked. Didn't stop her from trying, but other than that... Everything was going well.<p>

That is, until, she and Olivia were discussing a case in her office over lunch. Her phone rang, and when she answered, she was greeted by the clerk down in the lobby. "Flower delivery, Ms. Novak. Should I send them up?"

Flowers... but that was how Zergin had gotten up here. This couldn't be happening again, could it? It couldn't be!

"Um... y-yes, please. S-send them up." After hanging up the phone, she looked back at Olivia, who was examining one of the files and hadn't realized her panicked expression. "Liv," she forced out, "Um... I know you were about to head back to the squad room, but... could you stay for a couple minutes? Please?"

Olivia looked up in surprise, then narrowed her eyes and watched her carefully. "Yeah, sure. Casey, is something wrong?"

She shook her head and started trembling. "No. No, everything's okay, I... just... I really need you to stay here for a couple minutes."

The detective crossed her arms, getting up out of her seat and walking over to stand next to her. Casey wrung her hands out before her and focused on her watch, somewhat fascinated by the leather. Olivia tried to get her to say something else, but she managed to not really give the true answer until her office door open, revealing the flower delivery man. Casey immediately flinched back, keeping her gaze glued to her hands as she started shaking even harder. Olivia placed a protective hand on her shoulder, immediately realizing what was wrong.

"I've got flowers for a Casey Novak?" he asked, and Olivia nodded.

"Yeah, you've got her." He placed them on her desk, then turned and left.

That's all. Nothing bad happened. He just put the flowers down and left.

Casey rested her head on top of her arms, closing her eyes and groaning in embarrassment, though she was still shaking and still trying to convince herself that there was nothing to be afraid of. Olivia squeezed her shoulder before taking a note from the roses... the same flowers Zergin had brought. The detective read aloud. "Casey- lovely flowers must work for a lovely woman. Hope to see you tonight, Steve... Casey? You okay?"

She nodded weakly, still without looking up. "I never realized... I mean, I never really told him what happened and besides, I didn't think it'd be a problem..."

Casey blinked as the burning feeling started tingling in her limbs again. That had gone away after her first week back. "Damn it!" she swore, pushing herself back from her desk and crossing her arms tightly over her chest. She was supposed to be fine. What the hell was she doing, reacting like this?

"Case, do you want me to get rid of these?" Olivia asked softly, gesturing at the flowers. Casey shook her head, trying to keep herself calm, but with no success.

"No... It's not Steve's fault, it's mine. It's a sweet gesture, anyway..." Groaning softly under her breath, Casey got to her feet and brushed past Olivia as she hurried outside, muttering something about a meeting. Olivia watched her leave, thinking not only about this latest incident but everything- the nightmares, the denial... this was going too far.

* * *

><p>"Dr. Huang? Can I see you for a second?"<p>

He nodded, glancing up from his laptop and waving her in. "Sure, Olivia. Come in, sit." Olivia slipped inside his office and closed the door behind her, walking over to sit in front of his desk. "So, what's this about?"

Olivia hesitated. Should she really do this? She didn't want to betray Casey's trust, but... in this case... perhaps it was the best thing for her. "Well, it's... it's about Casey," she finally confessed.

He nodded again and shut his laptop, moving it aside so he could focus on her. "Yes, what about her?"

"You know how she was assaulted about a month and a half ago?"

"Yes. I haven't seen her much since then, but it seems like she's dealing with it well..."

She shook her head and leaned forward. "That's just it, George- she's _not_ dealing with it. I mean, nightmares and things like that, I'd expect. That's normal. But she won't admit anything's wrong. She won't talk about it, no matter how much I ask her. I tried giving her space after that, hoping that maybe she could work with it better by herself. But she hasn't. I'm trying to help her, I really am, but I just don't know how... today, she got a delivery for flowers in her office- exactly how she was assaulted the first time. I'm not surprised that she freaked out; that's normal. But she still won't admit that anything's wrong. I mean, every victim goes through denial, I know, but... I've never had to work with a victim long term like this. And I'm not sure how to make her see that she's not dealing with it... that there _is_something to deal with."

George frowned and tapped his finger on the side of his pen, chewing on his lower lip. "Has she made any progress at all?"

"Yeah," Olivia said with a slight nod. "Some. She can work in her office now, though still not after hours. And she can say what happened out loud, but... that's it. She doesn't actually accept it; if I force her, she'll say it and that's all, then she find some way to get out of the discussion."

"Well, it sounds like you're right- just basic denial. You want me to give you advice on how to break her out of that?" When Olivia nodded, George thought about it for a few seconds before starting off slowly. "I know Casey. She's stubborn; it won't be easy. Try and confront her again, but this time, about the changes you've noticed in her since the assault. Right now, how have you been trying to break her out of her denial?"

Olivia paused, thinking back over her many difficult conversations with the ADA over the past month. "I try and talk to her, get her to admit that it wasn't just a small thing; what happened. That it's affecting her and she needs help with it. At that point, Casey always gets furious and sometimes even storms out after that. I'm not trying to blame her for not having dealt with this by now; I wouldn't have expected her too... but I don't know how to help her."

"Well, what happens after you try and confront her? Do you discuss it at all, or..."

"No," Olivia murmured in surprise. "No, actually. After she leaves, we eventually meet up again, mostly when we both go home- I'm sleeping on her couch still. Neither one of us mentions it."

He nodded again. "That's typical, in cases like this. Next time you confront her, give her examples that prove she hasn't dealt with it yet- that she has a problem. And the timing needs to be good, too- after she wakes up from a nightmare, for example, and you've calmed her down, you could bring it up. And you know a lot of vics use alcohol or drugs- have you seen any sign of addiction in Casey?"

"Drugs, no. Well, not the usual ones that vics use, like crack or heroin- I would of seen some sign. I haven't noticed any other signs of drug use... alcohol, maybe. I think she may be drinking a little more than usual, but it's not serious alcoholism."

"Anything else, then, that's seemed different? Remember, victims use other things besides alcohol and drugs. Many of them use work- which actually sounds more like Casey..." George trailed off, watching as Olivia's eyes widened and she thought back again over the past month.

"You're right," she said quietly. "You're exactly right. She's always given every case her all, but it's different now. She buries herself in work and if we ever try to get her to go with us for drinks or head home early, she says no, she's busy. She's still not comfortable working late at night in her office, but she goes in early and always stays up late working. Most of the time, she goes in on her days off to work too- god, I just never realized anything until now. I'm used to her working late, trying hard, but... now it's different."

"Try and confront her," Huang advised. "And tell her my office door is always open, if she doesn't want to talk to you." Olivia nodded at him and smiled in thanks as she stood up and headed for the door, unaware of how much her situation was about to change.


	11. Chapter 11

Final chapter. I apologize for the wait, my internet was out. Thanks to all those who reviewed, especially to anotherchance100 and TheTruthIsInsideOfYou for reviewing chapter 10. Hope you all enjoyed.

**Chapter 11**

It's a soft blur, now, she realizes. Her memories of the assault are all a gentle whirlwind, consisting of snapshots of pain and panic that fly by in no particular order, all of her being beaten down, all of her complete lack of control. It's something she can lose herself in, if only for a little while, before she opens her eyes with a start.

When she fights the blur, tries to make sense of it, the fear takes a hold of her and won't let go, so instead, she lets go and just submerses herself in the terror and the pain of that night, sometimes praying for peace, other times, praying that she would remember it all. Because, god damn it, that was her body, and she should be able to remember what he did to her own body.

But then, in the mass of memories that have made themselves known in the days since her attack, she wonders, was that really her? Was that really her body? Because she had no control over those moments she sees in the darkness, of him grabbing her and taking her and making her his own. That wasn't her body, in that moment, it was his, and she was fighting weakly, purposely, to escape. Yes, she is proud that she fought, but in the end, it means nothing. In the great scheme of things, her attempts to fight back were simply one man trying to build a dike against the entire sea. Truly, an impossible task, so that her efforts are not even worth mentioning.

She has always been able to channel things through her hands, first with writing, but then, more often, with music. She could feel the music in her fingers and play it on instrument of choice, turning slow, dreamlike melodies into sweet and soft songs, or harsh, cruel rhythms into fiery and energized notes. But now, ever since the assault, when she tries, the melodies fall flat and her hands won't work. Songs she once thought simple now wouldn't fly from shaky fingers, and soon she would give up completely, losing herself to blur of forgotten memories of pain and panic, of fear and a total lack of control.

Olivia tells her its temporary, that its normal, but she's not so sure. Because after all, she sees victims every day, and they tell her the same things she's feeling now, but they can't be right, can they? Because she's no victim. The blur of memories that she can't remember, whenever they assault her mind she convinces herself that it doesn't make her a victim, that she must forget this and keep on walking, keep on fighting like the strong soldier every one sees her to be.

But she can't really do that, because deep down she knows, yes she's a victim, and no she won't be waking from this nightmare anytime soon, because this isn't a nightmare. And that strong outer shell that everyone sees, well, it's just that, a shell. Because, as much as it pains her to admit it, she's not as strong as people think of her. She cried when Olivia reassured her in the hospital, she cries when she realizes for the thousandth time that the blur of memories is just that, a blur, and not real remembrance, because god, she can't remember and she can't see through that hazy cloud to that one night she really wants to see.

Well, victim or not, amnesiac or not, she knows this dance of denial is not something she can keep up much longer... Is not something she's sure she _wants_ to keep up much longer. The memories that assault her mind in one tidal wave after another are all the same, and now she knows some of them are creations of her own crazed imagination, so full of photos of the crime scene and saturated with the soothing words of her friends that she doesn't know what's real or not. She's not sure if she wants to know or not, but she thinks she does, so she tries to make sense of the blur, though it never works and only leaves her more distraught then before.

* * *

><p>Olivia walked into Casey's office to a chorus of coughing and hacking. The ADA had tissues and several empty coffee cups scattered across her desk atop stacks of paperwork. "Case?" she asked uncertainly as she took a slow step forward. "You all right?"<p>

Casey nodded and cleared her throat, wincing as she did. "Yeah, just a little cold." Casey pulled her jacket tighter around herself as she said this and brushed a strand of sweat dampened hair off her forehead. "Can I help you with something, because I'm really-" she coughed again, "busy."

"Case, you've been getting sick these past couple days. I think you have a fever." Olivia rested the back of her hand against Casey's forehead then swore and yanked it back. "Hell, Casey, you're burning up! Why are you even at work today?"

The ADA shrugged and continued to focus on her paperwork. "Not a big deal... I'm fine." She tried to take a deep breath but it caught in her throat, sending her into another coughing fit.

Olivia sat on the edge of her desk and looked her over worriedly. "Case, I really think you should take the rest of the day off. This doesn't seem like 'just a little cold'."

George's earlier idea of how Casey was using work to fuel her denial was further proven when she just shook her head again. "Doesn't matter, Liv," she said without looking up from her paperwork. "I've got a lot of work to do. If I go home now I'll end up staying up all night tomorrow trying to finish what I should of done today."

"What exactly are you working on, Casey? You got a conviction yesterday and we haven't caught anymore cases."

Casey smiled at her and said, "Well, some of my previous convictions are coming up for parole in a couple months. I'm working on my arguments for the ones who should stay in prison."

"A couple months? Casey... come on. You've got plenty of time to work on those. Go home, get some rest."

The ADA got to her feet and smiled weakly at her before coughing again. "Liv, I'm fine. I'm going to get some more coffee and then I'll be good as new." She stepped towards the door, then swayed back and forth and rested a hand on the doorframe for balance.

Olivia was by her side in an instant, resting a steadying hand on her shoulder. "Casey?" she asked uncertainly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing... just a head rush." The next few seconds were a dizzy blur for Casey. Her world was blurring, becoming hazy, and her head was pounding. She closed her eyes for a moment, leaning against the wall, trying to clear her head. Nothing was making sense- why couldn't she think straight?

The last thing she felt as she fell into unconsciousness was Olivia's arms catching her.

* * *

><p>"Detective," the doctor said, motioning for her to follow as he walked away from Casey's bed so as not to disturb her, "your ADA has a severe case of atypical pneumonia."<p>

Olivia frowned and shook her head. "Wait a minute- atypical... isn't that walking pneumonia? That normally isn't serious enough to require hospitalization, right?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, usually. But it seems her case has been developing for over a week, and she's been working herself too hard. Normally, the disease will go away on it's own without the patient ever even realizing they had contracted it, which of happened with Ms. Novak, but when she continued to overwork herself, it got worse. She's going to be fine, but she'll have to stay here for a couple days for observation."

She groaned, running a hand through her hair and shaking her head. Just regular old pneumonia wouldn't make her feel this terrible. But now, Casey was in the hospital because she had failed to intervene before now. The doctor had said Casey's case wouldn't have become so severe if she hadn't been overworking herself. God, why hadn't she talked to George sooner?

When several nurses walked into the room to move Casey from the ER to a different wing of the hospital, Olivia headed outside to call Elliot on a pay phone. She'd been discussing Casey's problems with him before going to George yesterday- she'd tell him everything, including the fact that it was because she hadn't stepped in and stopped Casey from spiraling deeper into denial, and leave it to him to simply tell the others that Casey was sick and wouldn't be coming into work the next couple of days.

She was terrible. Not only had she failed to protect Casey when she was attacked and nearly killed, but she also hadn't had the nerve to just confront the ADA and force her to face the truth. What the hell kind of a friend was she? She was a cop, and she worked with victims everyday. Yet she had completely failed when her own best friend had been in danger and hadn't been able to help her even after she'd been victimized.

Well, she wasn't going to let Casey down again. No matter how hard it would be, she would have to convince Casey to accept help- if not from her, from George, or Elliot- anybody. She couldn't stand just watching idly as Casey continued repeating the same destructive, painful pattern over and over again.

"Detective Stabler, Manhattan Special Victims Unit."

"Hey, El. It's Olivia. I'm at the hospital- it's not me, though, it's Casey."

"Casey? Is she all right?"

"She's not hurt, El. Bad case of pneumonia. You know how's been ill the past couple days, like a bad cold? It was actually walking pneumonia."

Elliot had the same reaction she had. "But that normally isn't serious, is it? Not enough to require a hospital visit..."

"Yes, normally. But the doctor said that if the patient- in this case, Casey- is under a lot of stress or works too hard, then it can develop into a more serious case."

It didn't take long for Elliot to understand. Olivia had already told him what George thought; he just put two and two together before groaning heavily. "'Works too hard?' So this is a result of..."

"Well, Case has always worked too hard, even before this, but... yeah. She worked herself too hard in an attempt to ignore what happened to her and when she got sick, she just kept on working... I've let this go on too long."

"No, we both have, Liv. You told me about Casey and I never said anything to her either."

There was a long silence, both detectives facing their guilt, until Olivia finally said softly, "I'm going to head back inside. Once she's awake, I'm going to talk to her again, and this time I won't take no for an answer. I know that sounds harsh, but what choice do I have? I can't just let this continue."

Elliot sighed before agreeing with her. "Tell me what happens."

* * *

><p>Olivia had been waiting with the ADA for little over half an hour before she finally started to awaken. Olivia looked up as Casey sighed, turning onto her side and groaning softly. "Case, it's Liv. Wake up, sweetheart."<p>

She groaned again before slowly opening her eyes to stare at Olivia in confusion. "Liv? What's going on?" Casey looked around the room before slowly pushing herself into a sitting position. "Where... am I in the hospital?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah- pneumonia. You passed out at work," she explained.

"Pneumonia? But I haven't been that sick. Just a little cold..." Casey said softly, sitting up straighter and wincing slightly. "I've had pneumonia before- a lot worse than how I've been feeling this past week."

"That's because you just had walking pneumonia. The doctor said you would of gotten over the disease and been fine, but you worked too hard. Now you've got to stay here a couple days for a course of antibiotics, but you're going to be all right."

Casey frowned weakly, shaking her head and resting her hand on the IV needle in her arm, making to tear it out. "No. No, I can't stay here for that long, I've got to get back to work! Come on, Liv, I'm okay. Just a little sick, but I'll feel better faster if I'm working! I'd rather be there than just lying on my ass here, anyways."

"Case," Olivia interjected, moving the ADA's hand off the IV, "what are you thinking? You can't just go right back to work- we can get a temp to take your cases until your back on your feet."

"But the victims! I can't let them just be forced to use an inexperienced attorney, all because I'm a little sick. Please, Liv, I promise I'll be okay, but I can't just stay here and do nothing. I'm at least going to call an intern to bring me some paperwork..."

Casey was panicking at the thought of having nothing to keep her distracted from her assault, even if only for a few days. If this didn't confirm Huang's diagnosis, nothing would. "Yeah," she said softly after a something. "Yeah, I guess you could call an intern." What was the point in arguing her on this? Olivia was about to try and convince her to stop using work as a method to carry out her denial. After that, Casey probably wouldn't be as driven to go right back to work, even though she was in the hospital.

"Casey, I need to talk to you about something."

Casey's eyes narrowed, and she crossed her arms, watching Olivia in suspicion. Every time Olivia a sentence like that, it always led to the same place. "Depends," she said uncertainly. "Is there going where I think it is?"

Olivia hesitated, but she had to do this eventually- and sooner was better than later. "Well, yes. But before you cut me off, could you please let me finish? I know that you don't want to hear it, but please just listen. After I'm done... then you can talk."

She was relieved when the ADA nodded slowly, too surprised to respond as she usually did- with anger and fury. "Thank you. Casey... you're not going to want to hear this, but you've been denying your assault. Ever since your attack, you've been using work to try and focus on something, anything else than what happened... I'm not the only here who works with victims. You do, as well, so you know I'm not just making this up- after their attacks, victims often use drugs or alcohol to deny what happened to them. Some slip into depression and fall apart, while others throw themselves into their work and become stars in their field, all because they're trying to deny what happened, because it's too painful for them to deal with. Now, you've always given every case your all, even before this... but now, it's not about that."

Casey pulled away from her, clearly steeling herself for the hurt that was coming. Olivia continued talking, refusing to let the ADA shut her out again. "Casey, nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia- everything you're going through is perfectly normal, even the denial. But you're not alone in this, and I'm not going to let you continue in this self destructive cycle. You're using work to deny what happened, and every time I try and tell you this, you refuse to listen and make your escape as soon as you can. I can't let you do this anymore, and I'm sorry that I haven't managed to stop this before now."

"Olivia, don't do this," the ADA said shakily. "Please don't do this."

"I'm just trying to get you to accept what happened, Casey. You can't work in your office at night. You have nightmares. You can't sleep without a light on. Panic attacks, flashbacks- and don't think I haven't noticed how much the memory loss was bothering you. And that flower delivery you got in your office?"

Casey blinked back tears, slowly shaking her head back and forth. "That's... that's not fair, Olivia."

"I'm not saying that you should be fine by now. It's perfectly all right that it's still affecting you. But you can only start to heal from it if you admit that something's wrong. Otherwise, it'll just keep getting worse. You can't keep pushing yourself this hard, Casey. I'm not the only one who can see that it's tearing you apart. You're trying to tell yourself that you're okay when you're not. And you can get better, but not how you are now. Right now, you're still convinced that you can't be hurt by your assault- that it happened in the past and it's not affecting you now, but you're wrong."

"No I'm not," she said in a shaky voice. "I'm not. I'm fine, Olivia. I'm fine."

"No, you're not, Casey. You're not fine. No matter how hard you try to deny it, it's going to come back down on you sooner or later, and the longer you wait, the harder you're going to fall."

Casey shook her head again, tears starting to stream down her cheeks. "No, no. No, don't do this to me, please! You're wrong!" Casey pleaded.

"Then how else do you explain everything that's been happening? The nightmares, your panic attacks, flashbacks, how you can't sleep if it's dark and I'm not there with you?" The ADA couldn't hold it back anymore and started sobbing, and Olivia couldn't manage to keep it up any longer. She wrapped her arms around Casey and held her close, resting a hand on the back of the ADA's head. Yes, she had been intentionally harsh, to try and break Casey out of her denial, and it was worth it... didn't mean that she felt more guilty with each of Casey's sobs.

"I'm... so... sorry," she gasped, squeezing her tight and struggling to stop crying. "I'm so sorry!"

"Shh," Olivia murmured, stroking her hair gently. "Don't apologize, Case. You haven't done anything wrong."

She held Casey in a warm embrace for over ten minutes, tears burning in her own eyes as well. To think she had put off this conversation for so long, just because she'd been unable to persist and get through to Casey, because she'd been afraid of her reaction. But this was worth it; breaking Casey's denial and helping her deal with it. No matter how much it hurt Casey now, it was for the best.

"H-how do I g-get better?" she finally stammered, pulling back slightly from Olivia so she could look the detective in the eye.

Squeezing her hand gently, Olivia smiled proudly and said, "You've just taken a very important first step, Casey. All you have to do now is keep working to get better. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you can do this. Let me help you. Talk to me, or if I can't help, then George, or anyone else- just let us help you. Things will get better, I promise, you just have to work at it."

Casey shook her head sharply, her eyes widening in fear. Her immediate reaction was no, she didn't want to work at it, it would hurt too much. She was scared. It was going to hurt and she didn't want to go through it. And god, it had been three entire months and she hadn't dealt with it at all. Now, thinking of the momentous task before... it seemed impossible. She couldn't do it alone.

As if she could hear her thoughts, Olivia said gently, "It's going to be all right, Casey. I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise."

A tear slipped down Casey's cheek again and Olivia wiped it away gently with her thumb. The road ahead of her was going to be long and hard, she knew that, but Olivia had been with her ever since she had woken up in the hospital that fateful day, over a month ago. She had made living in this hell bearable. And now, Olivia was telling her that it was possible for her to learn to live again. That's what she wanted. Yes, it seemed unimaginably difficult to break the pattern she now lived out every day and deal with her assault- she couldn't even imagine such a reality. But with Olivia at her side, maybe such a thing was possible. Maybe things would be all right.

* * *

><p>What a beautiful cloud of denial she used to be able to hide behind. She used to be in an illusion, a perfect illusion of her walking forward through the beautiful, clear blue skies. Yes, there was darkness behind the few clouds over her head, but it never closed in on her. Whenever it tried, she would just start running until it couldn't hurt her anymore. It was an illusion, but oh what a beautiful one it had been.<p>

Now, though, she's just falling in the darkness and doesn't know what way is up. No, that's not right- it's more like she's moving through thick mud, always struggling to move forward but everything around her looks the same; she's making no progress, and she's just as stuck as before.

Is she better off? No, Casey wants to say, no, she's not. No, she's not! It hurts so much more now that's aware of it.

Olivia would say that it's worth it. Olivia would say that suffering through the pain now is worth it for the peace of mind it will bring later.

What does she know, though? Olivia's mother may have been a victim once, but Olivia herself never had been.

And that's it, right there. Casey Novak had done a lot of things in her life and wants to do so much more, but becoming a victim was never on that list. And you can't un-victim yourself, if that makes any sense. Olivia says that even though she's a victim now, she can still make the journey from victim to survivor, and in a sense, that's true. But that's not what matters.

These experiences she has now, of being hit and left for dead, and of all the pain after it, both physical and mental... she'll never forget them. Just like she'll never be able to forget the night she was attacked- ironic, because the exact memories she wants remain elusive, slipping out of her grasp just when she thinks she finally remembers. She'll always have this pain of a victim, buried underneath all her power suits and dramatic legal arguments, because now she really, truly understands that no victim can never really 'get over' the crime that turned them into a victim in the first place. She understands that because she knows, now, with all her heart, that these experiences and memories and the pain that lives with them can not be eradicated completely. She'll remember the pain of being a victim, what would probably turn into a slight, though constant ache, always buried in time, though always able to jump forth and make the agony as real as if she had just been assaulted yesterday.

The child in her says it's not fair. The adult in her says who cares that's it not fair; deal with it, Casey.

Her friend says that she cares and she's here to help you deal with it, Casey.

Olivia. She's been here with her since the beginning. She helped bring her out of her denial, and while she's not thankful for that not, Casey's sure she will be in the future. Can you trust her, Casey? Trust her enough to let her help you?

Casey sighs. Everything is too confusing now.

She really only has one decision left. Accept Olivia's help and rise up out of the hole she'd dug herself into, or close her eyes and allow all hell to come up around her while she stubbornly ignores it, choosing instead to remain in what's familiar. What's painful, yes, but familiar... safe.

Survivor, or victim for life? Well, that's not really a choice. But can she stand the painful journey that's to come?

Olivia promised to be with her, though, to help her. Casey just has problems believing that that would be enough- it's not that she doubts Olivia's abilities, it's just that this rut she's dug herself into seems she so impossible to climb out of.

The possibility of living her life again... is she strong enough to turn into a reality?

"Hey," Olivia asks, her soft voice pulling her out of her thoughts as she reached out her hand. "You ready to go?"

Alone, no she's not. With Olivia, yes.

Casey takes Olivia's hand and allows her to pull her to her feet.

Wow. I can't believe I actually finished this. My very first SVU fanfiction, and my fourth fanfiction ever, being rewritten and rewritten over and over again- I suppose I'll never be happy with it, but this is the first one I've ever finished. Well, that's all, folks. I hope you enjoyed!


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